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1 review
Strengths Well-defined POV No hedging
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Filmable incident Specificity Causality and coherence Concision
Is there a specific reason why a soldier is hosting a vegetable show? That could potentially be woven into their character.
Why does he become the target of disgruntled friends? Specificity with this will help the audience visualise the story. Comrades and friends is also a double up, pick one to avoid it feeling redundant.
Loglines are best when they are written as one sentence, try seeing if you can reword this logline so it isn't split into 3 seperate sentences.
Why was he reprieved? Why must he prove his worth? How is he going to prove his worth (we want to see this in physical action the protagonist will take). What happens that makes the show teeter on the edge of collapse? And what is he going to give that isn't his?
It comes down to just adding some extra clarity and fleshing out the details of certain story beats so we, the audience, can better visualise the story you're trying to tell. I like the idea of something serious like the military dabbling with something like a vegetable show, that is a great set up. Now we just need to see the specific actions of how this plays out.