Feeling trapped between student debt, his mother’s hospital bills, and the ever-increasing demands of his girlfriend. Faust Boris, a desperate university student decides to make a deal with Cross, the owner of a mysterious pawn shop to put his afterlife to bargain in return for money.

1 review

Strengths Filmable incident Specificity

Needs work Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Causality and coherence No hedging

It seems to me this logline can be distilled down to:

A college graduate pawns his soul to the devil for enough money to pay off crushing student loan debts and meet urgent financial obligations. (25 words)

A variant of the Faustian bargain plot trope. (I'm assume the pawn shop owner is a manifestation of Mephistopheles.) You did not indicate the genre, whether the action plays out as a drama or a dark comedy. Whatever, the protagonist's crushing student loan debt and mother's medical costs are intensely relevant to the financial predicament of millions of Americans.

However...

The details in the logline only set up the plot of the script. They don't state what the plot actually is. IOW: So he gets the money, then what? What becomes his objective goal? The answer to the "then what?" question is the core of the plot. A logline should (briefly) answer that question with the action that follows from the set up.

So he gets the money, pays everyone off--is that the end of the story? Is that all there is to the plot? Or...?

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