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I like this logline, but I think you should add, after losing her mother to cancer, a car accident, to murder, etc…. IMO, I think it’s important, unless you want to keep it a mystery.
I’m going to pretend I haven’t read the script. 🙂
A deaf teenage rock cellist
This is an interesting character setup – but it lacks a moral flaw. Now one can argue that a strong character doesn’t need a flaw (and transformation) but most successful dramas do.
struggles to find her musical voice
I believe there are two problems with this if you want to reach a large audience, purely on the logline:
1. It feels very much like an inner journey. For a musician, the ‘musical voice’ is very much the identity. So in this sense the story is the cellist’s quest for her identity.
2. Does the mainstream audience care? You may not want to target a mainstream audience and play to arthouse, but this audience is shrinking by the day – and even it’s brilliantly written, you would have to keep it low budget to keep the script attractive to producers.
The solution would be to give the cellist a clear outer goal, alongside her inner struggle.
after the death of her mother
This reads like the inciting incident. I’d keep it chronological in the sentence, for clarity. “After the death of her mother, a deaf…”
I’m keen to see what others think.
I haven’t read the script:)
There has to be something more here than just a musical voice – I agree. What guided her voice before the death of her Mother? Maybe her mother was the sole voice of encouragement and originally guided her? Perhaps her mother hated ROCK and she pursued it to simply to be different and now doesn’t need to since she’s gone? I would fall in the “who cares” category by not knowing. But, if somehow it was made clear why the mother is so important, the rest would likely fall in place.
A deaf, teenage cellist is grounds enough for a story and would make a good documentary. The idea that she plays ROCK provides more colour to the character, but the conflict of it all needs to be explained. I’m sure it’s a great story. I just need to know why. Best of luck!
-Joey