Penpusher
Posted: 2017-04-23T15:17:30+10:00 In:

When the king becomes deathly ill, the legalistic crown prince, armed with King Solomon-like wisdom and Bruce Lee-like skills, must save the gun-controlled country from a powerful and lawless uncle.

When the king becomes deathly ill, the legalistic crown prince, armed with King Solomon-like wisdom and Bruce Lee-like skills, must save the gun-controlled country from a powerful and lawless uncle.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      For me too much description and not enough story. It is big on setup but I can’t see the movie.

      Wise, kung fu master, legalistic (not sure how that translates to story) are all colourful, but they’re not story.

      What must he do, what is his uncle doing to stop him. That’s the best I can offer, sorry.

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    2. Singularity

      A story is about something (A Theme)

      It could be redemption
      It could be, love conquers all
      It could be, brotherhood.

      I am not seeing a focus on a theme in your story.
      It could be coming of age
      It could be, revenge
      It could be, justice
      or it could be a morality tale about the evils of gun control.

      I would look at the theme of your story, then re-write the logline to showcase that theme.
      —–
      Revenge:
      “When his father is poisoned, an out-of-touch crown prince must rally the common man to take down his evil uncle who has usurped the throne.”

      Also, because I have given him the weakness of being out-of-touch we can now see how rallying the people might be a difficult task for the prince
      —–
      Justice:
      “When his evil uncle usurps the thrown and savagely exploits the people, Crown Prince gives up his pacifist?ways, ?dawns a disguise and protects the common man from his uncles cruelty.”

      hope that helped

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