Vowlence Rewrite: After falling for another woman and in love with having choice, a rogue “constructed” husband must battle his original creator and society’s hell-bent effort to maintain matrimony’s perfect success rate, in his driven pursuit of true love.
dhastingsLogliner
Vowlence Rewrite: After falling for another woman and in love with having choice, a rogue “constructed” husband must battle his original creator and society’s hell-bent effort to maintain matrimony’s perfect success rate, in his driven pursuit of true love.
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So it’s a story about “Stepford Husbands” instead of “Stepford Wives” (Original movie in 1975, remade in 2004).
>>>>another woman and in love with having choice
Isn’t the concept of preferring to have a choice is implicit in falling in love with another woman? ?I don’t think the logline needs mention it. I think the logline focus on the characters ?not concept
Well, it’s an interesting situation. ?But what is the plot that follows from the situation? ?That is, after falling in love with another woman, what does he do about it? ?What becomes his objective goal? ?”Battle his creator and society..” — well, obviously he must. ?But how? What becomes his specific plan for “battling” his wife and society?
on your previous post, I mentioned the ‘scarlet letter’
However I actually think this would be great as a re-imagining of the story of “Lilith”
Lilith is folklore written somewhere around the 7th to 10th century AD
In the story God creates a wife for Adam but she refuses to submit so she runs away.
I think using Lilith as the back drop for the science fiction story could work:
—–
2100 AD
1: The City of Eden is a utopia (If you are wealthy)
2: Spouses are genetically created for the wealthy (And sometimes disposed of when they want a new model)?
3: Lilith is created to be the perfect wife for Adam
4: She is basically to be a domestic slave.
5: She runs away, but is captured by the Angels (The City of Eden’s law enforcement)
6: But she falls for one of the officers (Officer Gabriel)
7: Gabriel is being transferred away from Eden to the city of New Babylon?
8: Because she has run away she is in danger of being disposed of for her deficiency
9: Now she has one chance, to escape to New Babylon: She flees the disposal unit.
10: Adam is angry, Jealous and determined to get her back, even if just to punish her.
11: She discovers an underground railroad of sorts. Turns out she wasn’t the first to rebel against her fate
12: However just as she is to escape the Angels appear. The underground sacrifice themselves in battle to help Lilith escape.
13: From there she flees to New Babylon with her pursuers always at her heel.
? ? ? ? ?(It would help at this point if she had a companion)
14: Once in New Babylon she reunites with Gabriel. But Eden wants her back and threaten New Babylon.
15: The leadership of New Babylon agree to hand her over.
16: But many residents in New Babylon are synths.
17: They rebel
18: There is a huge battle and New Babylon falls to the Rebels and Lilith is safe.
19: Gabriel and Lilith kiss
fade to black
Begin writing the sequel.
—–
Hope that helped, good luck
This logline is difficult to understand. As a writer, you need to find a way for the logline to be less taxing on the reader. The easier it is for them to understand the greater the chance of them reading the script, the harder it is the less likely they are to request it and pass.
The other importent aspect of a logline is to demonstrate your ability as a writer, in other words, being efficiant with your words to say more with less.
Study the formula tab up top for more information on logline conventions. In the meantime, here are a few tips in relation to your concept:
– Your main character is a lab made man, replica or clone who has gone rogue – describe him as such. For example:
After a human replica, designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman he must…
– ? The main obstacle and action are unclear “…must battle his original creator and society?s hell-bent effort…” could mean any number of things. He could literaly battle his creator in a fist fight, argue morals, or threaten to bomb the city unless he or she publicly acknowledge the MC’s right to love freely.? Best you specify what the MC will do and what is stopping him.
-? The goal is vague “…his driven pursuit of true love.” What is the one way in which the audience will know the MC has achieved “…true love.”? Does he want to marry the woman he loves? Does he want to live with her? What is it specifically he needs to achieve in order to have true love?
Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must…” ?
Well, he must do what?
To repeat, you don’t need to shoe horn in the notion that he’s ?exercising free choice instead of adhering to his programming. ?That’s implicit in the complication that boots up the plot, his falling in love with another woman.
If you want to wax philosophical on that abstract point in the script, knock yourself out. ?But not in the logline. ?The logline ?is a sales tool with ?a primary directive: grab attention, whet interest in reading the script. In the fewest possible words. ? In loglines, less is more effective and more is less effective.
An logline that sells is about flesh and blood people in conflict. ?Not fleshless, bloodless abstractions.
I think you’ve got ?a strong hook. I give it a thumbs up. ?It just needs a polish.
fwiw