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PyroclownPenpusher
Posted: July 19, 20172017-07-19T15:32:21+10:00 2017-07-19T15:32:21+10:00In: Action

When a billionaire futurist is killed, a vengeful ex-assassin is forced to confront her sanity as she fights to discover who has been manipulating her memories to make her the world?s most feared killer.

When a billionaire futurist is killed, a vengeful ex-assassin is forced to confront her sanity as she fights to discover who has been manipulating her memories to make her the world?s most feared killer.
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    4 Reviews

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    1. Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
      2017-07-20T01:46:01+10:00Added an answer on July 20, 2017 at 1:46 am

      Pyroclown,

      We got a lot of good things going on here but also a lot of things that don’t go well together.

      First,

      When a billionaire futurist is killed —

      This is the inciting incident you included which doesn’t seem to link to the next part of the Logline: the MC. If the billionaire is important to the MC, then state that, otherwise, you can cut that out and just begin with the MC and her story.

      Vengeful ex-assassin —

      Sounds weird. A good assassin should be disciplined and almost free from emotion to be capable of doing their job.

      Forced to confront her sanity —

      May sound intriguing, but it’s vague and really not a special thing. Everyone has to maintain sanity on some level.

      Discover who is manipulating memories… —

      Here we have what I hope is the meat of your movie, the part I want to see played out. The sci-fi element mixed with the contemporary killer for money.

      If she’s already a ‘retired’ assassin, then why would it matter if she retains ‘the world’s most feared killer’ title?

      The assassin’s life is not a subject rarely explored, so you need to come in with a very fresh take on this genre. Hope this helps.

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    2. Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
      2017-07-20T11:39:44+10:00Added an answer on July 20, 2017 at 11:39 am

      Yet still, what is the connection between an innocent billionaire getting killed and your anti hero, the assassin?

      Going from a hitman to an army ranger is quite a drastic change. What prompted that?

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    3. Richiev Singularity
      2017-07-20T13:08:28+10:00Added an answer on July 20, 2017 at 1:08 pm

      Agreed, with above comments, how does the murder of the billionaire relate to the lead character?

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    4. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2017-07-25T15:27:45+10:00Added an answer on July 25, 2017 at 3:27 pm

      The latest draft of the logline lacks a clear cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and goal.
      Ask yourself: how does one event motivate the other?

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