My maid
A beautiful, ambitious maid and a graceful but married Duke are trying to save their love in a cruel medieval society. Tables are suddenly turned after a lack of loyalty and the discovery of the maid's real origin.
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Intriguing, descriptive, really sets the stage and foreshadows conflict. Well done!
Thank you! I hope the title is chosen well. I wanted a short and powerful one. I’m wondering if I should write ‘My Maid’ or ‘My maid’…
Are they conducting an illicit affair or a platonic affair? What does “tables are turned mean”? What’s the problem created by the discovery of her origin? What must she do about it? What’s at stake if she fails? Exile? Execution?
There is no struggle here… She’s highly ambitious, and from what I get from ‘…the discovery of her real origin’ makes me think she in fact has royal linenage (?)… So nice happy ending — but again, there seems that there is nothing she has a need to fight for, no reason for the audience to care.
It’s better to give your character a flaw — you describe her as ambitious, which is all good, but only if there is something she is fighting for, which at the moment there’s not, so ‘ambitious is kind of futile.
Also ‘cruel medieval society’ reads as a very vague antagonist — better to be as specific as you can in regards to what or who opposes her (but opposes her doing what? Having an affair? Becoming a Duchess??)
Lastly, I agree with dpg — the nature of the Duke’s and Maid’s relationship is unclear…if its an affair, well, I have no sympathy for either Duke or Maid ATM…
Try to be as simple and direct as possible in describing the character (better flawed), their PHYSICAL goal, and what or who SPECIFICALLY stands in their way…
Best of luck with any revisions.
What is unique about this concept?
Thank you all for commenting! I’ve thought a lot about what you all said and I tried to change the logline. What do you think of this one?
“A young, beautiful maid, not knowing she’s an illegitimate daughter of a very influential Duke, starts a love affair with the married Duke of Devon, despite the fact she’s good friends with his brand-new wife. Their love pauses when her father legitimizes her and she’ll do whatever or whoever it takes to survive and be the Duchess”
I think I’ll change my script a little bit.. 😀
Or the second sentence could better be: There is only one obstacle which holds her back from being a Duchess and live a normal life: his family.
Or maybe this one: “A young, beautiful maid, not knowing she?s an illegitimate daughter of a very influential Duke, starts a love affair with the married Duke of Devon, despite the fact she?s good friends with his brand-new wife. There is only one thing holding her back from living a noble life and being a Duchess: his family.
Or maybe even shorter: “A maid and illegitimate daughter of a Duke starts a love affair with Duke of Devon. After being legitimized she’ll do whatever and whoever it takes to be a powerful Duchess.”
In a logline you don’t need to give away the ending, right?
Why would she be legitimized? An illegitimate son might be acknowledged and adopted (hence legitimized) if a nobleman had no legitimate sons: inheritances and and noble lineages were passed down through sons. But in those days, weren’t daughters — legitimate daughters– just expendable pawns for political alliances through marriage? What political utility did illegitimate girls have in medieval society? Why would she be legitimized?
Also if her goal is to marry the Duke of Devon in a medieval society when the Catholic Church dominated, wasn’t divorce rare, difficult to obtain? (Henry VIII, the King of England, couldn’t obtain a divorce from the Pope.)
dpg, thank you for your reaction!
Well, The questions you’ve asked are going to be answered in the script. She will be legitimized for no political reason, but because the Duke really loved her mother who died giving birth. He wants to keep her close to him, but also because he has promised her mother he’ll do it.
In the script there are many turning points, that’s why it’s difficult for me to summarize it in one sentence. When she’s a maid, her goal is to be with Duke of Devon, but he’s married. Because of that their love has to be secret. Unfortunately his wife, which really loves him too, finds out everything. She commits suicide. Tad??, first obstacle is gone. But the maid still can’t marry the Duke and at last she even doesn’t want to because despite his love for her, he cheates on her. She can’t forgive him. When Duke of Norfolk accidentally discovers his daughter (thanks to a necklace) he legitimizes her because that’s what he has promised her mother. The maid, still angry with the Duke of Devon, leaves with her new father and tries to forget her love. But her father’s family hates her (they still consider her as a bastard).
By this time Duke of Devonshire is married again and has a baby.
In short: in the end it will turn out he kills his wife to marry the maid. (because he can’t devorce her)
A bit cruel, but ok… xP
Maybe this concept is more a serie than a film?
This is the first time I’m writing a script and I hope you can help me 🙂
Yeah, the concept definitely feels more like the basis of a medieval soap opera.
>>She commits suicide. Tad??, first obstacle is gone
Suicide is a mortal sin. She would be consigning herself to eternal damnation in hell. If she’s got to conveniently die, there are plenty of diseases to choose from, such as cholera, smallpox or the plague.
But that doesn’t mean people didn’t commit suicide in the middle ages..
She loved him too hard and he told right in her face he didn’t love her at all. That’s what she couldn’t bear and jumped out of the window.
But if I want to make a film of it, not a serie, what should I do? Whatt should I change?
Omg, I have a good idea… As I am still writing the script, I’ve decided to change the story from the middle. Her father will legitimize her and let her marry Duke of Devonshire. But as we all know: be careful what you wish for. She will feel the same as his previous wife as she will follow in her steps. The end will be tragic.
I really adore medieval films, but I think there aren’t that many made the last time. A love story with a lot of intrigues, I love that. 😀
I let you know when I’m ready and I’ll present you a new logline.
Of course you can still give me some advice, I would love that!
What intrigues me about the story is not that the heroine wants love and happiness because that’s what every person wants in life, that’s a default goal, a given in any logline. What I’m looking for is an “X” factor, something special, that makes the story stand out from all the other loglines where the main character is likewise seeking love and happiness.
For me the “X” factor in this story might be the struggle of a woman to overcome the prejudices of her era, the handicaps of her situation. She’s a woman in a male-dominated medieval society; she’s an outcast, a bastard. The odds are definitely not in her favor.
I see a lot of potential in the concept, but I just don’t have a clear sense of what the “X” factor is yet. fwiw.
Thanks for your reaction!
Well, as I’m still writing the script, I’ve changed it a little bit. I’ve realised I have to change something to obtain a resonable goal for each character.
-Duke of Devon wants to marry the maid because he loves her (despite the fact he’s a women admirer)
-Duke of Norfolk will legitimize the maid so she can marry her beloved. That’s how he pays off his debts he owes Duke of Devon.
After they are married the troubles begin. The maid realizes her husband is a real womanizer. When she fails to become pregnant, she secretly invites a kind of ‘witch’ to forecast her future. That’s when the witch tells her she sees ‘death’…maid’s death… “your love will kill you”
Of course a big question rises ‘What does that mean?’. Her love is her one and only Duke. She realizes the only reason why he could kill her is if he falls in love with someone else and wants to marry her. (He will never be able to divorce her, the church will not allow, so it’s easier to get rid of your wife). She keeps an eye on every girl that enters the castle, one of them could cause her death. That’s the moment when Duke of Norfolk sents his other daughter to serve the Duchess (former maid). The Duchess realizes that’s the girl that will bring her down, the Duke is keen on her. But she can’t kill her own half-sister, right? And she doesn’t want to die neither… Her goal is to survive and keep her husband by her side. But is it possible?
The end will be dramatic. I hope you understand now. 😀
And sorry if I made some mistakes, I was typing fast…
What do you think of this logline?
” After a maid has been legitimized by her father, Duke of Norfolk, she’s able to marry Duke of Devon, her secret lover. Once married she faces the dark side of being a Duchess and wife of a womanizer as she’ll have to fight for her love and for her life. “
What is the inciting incident, the event or decision that precipitates the rest of the plot? The Duke of Norfolk fulfilling his promise and legitimizing her so she can marry? (She expects her becoming legit means the end of her woes, but it only turns out to be the beginning?)
Indeed, she thinks everything will be much better when she’s married, but it gets worse. Then she realizes being maid was the best and easiest time of her life. That marriage will bring her down.
Duke of Devon is an interesting character, his manner of thinking is: the maid, which he loves, is like a rose. You want to have her in your garden, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other flowerd around it. You can go and smell them, but you’ll always be fascinated by this one rose. Of course…until her half sister arrives…
But as you said: the marriage is the incident that leads to a lot of problems. That starts in the middle of the script, so I suppose in the middle of the film…
This is a good situation to say: ‘Be careful what you wish for’
She wished to be his wife, but the she realizes it was a wrong wish.
Not a bad premise but might need that “One more thing” to draw attention.
How about upping the stakes a bit:
—–
“When a married Duke, falls for his ambitions chamber maid, the two conspire to usurp the king while fighting to keeping their illicit love a secret.”
—–
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Sorry, one more minor tweek 🙂 Keep instead of keeping.
—–
When a married Duke, falls for his ambitions chamber maid, the two conspire to usurp the king while fighting to keep their illicit love a secret.?
Thank you very much for your help! The thing is, the king doesn’t participate in my story XD. @Richiec: I’ve changed that logline a little bit and came out to this:
“When a married Duke, falls for his beautiful and innocent chamber maid, they plot against his wife to be together ’till the final goodbye’. But what seemed to be a dream, turned out to be a nightmare as the Duke is an eager wolf in disguise and has other plans than expected.”
Thanks for all your comments, thanks to them I realized I could change the story to make it more interesting! 😀
But how can I let people know it’s an 15th century story? How can I put that in my logline?
Oh, and I’ve changed the title: ‘Never trust love’
This story has also a moral: you can never build happiness on someone else’s misery. (his wife, she loved the Duke unconditionally, they will get rid of her) So the maid will try gain her happiness on her misery, but that’s not how it goes…
And you should never trust love, but that’s what the maid did. Later she will regret as love is an unsteady thing…
What do you think?
Adele93:
Over what span of time in the medieval period does your screenplay occur?
In the 14th century (+/-1355) medieval England, ruled by King Edward III if I’m right…
Now I’m wondering if a medieval story that actually has been made up, has a chance to be filmed…
I’m sorry for asking so many questions, it’s all a bit new to me.. 🙂
dpg:
It’s around 1490, 5 years after the war of the roses ended.
The point is, if I will use names of real Dukes, I’ll have to write their stories and they’ll have to be true. But my story is made up, so I’m afraid to use persons that really existed.
I found out that the first Duke of Devonshire was William Cavendish (in 1640), so I can’t use this title as my story takes place much earlier.
So the Duke that will fall in love with this maid is Duke of Norfolk. (Jesus, those changes keep going… -_-)
So, now I’m wondering, does a medieval made up soty have a chance to be filmed?
The script isn’t finished yet, that’s why I’m able to change things where I can..
I meant over how much historical time do events unfold in the screenplay? A year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years…?
Aaaah, ok, now I got it 🙂
Not long, about 1 year
And what is the climax of your story, the obligatory scene, the scene that (finally) answers the dramatic question raised by your plot?
The scene where the maid (now married to the Duke) intercepts her husbands letter meant to her half-sister where they conspire against her so they can marry. (The maid gave birth to a dead baby, she bores the Duke like a book that has been read out) he WANTS her half-sister, she’s young, attractive and has more heritage). The maid realizes she’s in geat danger. It’s eat or be eaten.
Hmmmm, I think it will be better if I take some time to overthink the whole story and then I’ll let you know what it will be like. 😀