Logliner
Posted: 2017-11-02T16:32:14+10:00 In:

A bitter old man plays an advanced virtual reality game and conquers his fear of technology.

A bitter old man plays an advanced virtual reality game and conquers his fear of technology.
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    7 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Perhaps you should check out the general formula of loglines to rewrite this after.
      The inciting incident can be “When an old man?plays an advanced virtual reality game,,,”

      The problem with your logline here is, there is no actual plot and conflict for the second act of the story.
      What does the old man have to do to conquer his fear of technology?? What are the obstacles?
      Just refusing to play the game at first is not a strong enough concept, I think.
      And, in addition, what are the stakes for the character?
      What is the objective goal he wants to achieve?

      Just try to answer these questions and you’ll be on track on? writing a better logline.

      Best,

      Savas

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    2. Uberwriter

      A bitter old man is not a character we want to live as when we watch a show. Now, if your character changes the bitter old man so that he realizes life is worth more than bitterness, then ya, we want to get behind that, otherwise, how about the old man just stop being bitter on his own?

      SO, I would think of another reason to describe your MC other than his bitterness.

      Playing a video game is not a major hurdle in a person’s life, despite a generation that isn’t keen on it. Where is the rest of the story?

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    3. Logliner

      Maybe your bitter old man is an interesting character but since you have such a noun the logline would benefit from some irony.
      If he is bitter old man and the virtual reality game is for 11-year-old girls and full of happy unicorns we instantly get an entertaining image due to contrast.

      After that, check? your ending and give us a promise that a story can start after you finish your sentence.
      Conquering your fear of technology is not particularly interesting. And it is something we expect of an old man.
      I am just throwing out random ideas here:
      If he becomes a game designer for example then we have a familiar concept (Big) runed on its head, and we isntantly get a conflict and drama.
      How will the old man cope with young executives?
      Is he for real or just a gimmick to sell more games?
      And so on.

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    4. Samurai

      A quick exercise using a Jumanji-like structure..

      “When a bitter old man is hired for security in an advanced virtual reality game museum, he is suddenly sucked in and has to fight his way out conquering his fear of technology.”

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    5. Singularity

      I think the situation has promise. Especially if he has to work with a particularly spunky gamer to help him navigate the cyber world.

      However you should give us an event that triggers his action. “When he is turned down for a job for being technologically inept…”?This would just be an example

      by giving us an event we can see why the character has to overcome his fear of technology, it should also lead to a tangible goal for the character and if done correctly it might even show the reader what the stakes are.

      Anyway, good luck with this project, the story concept seems interesting.

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    6. Logliner

      Thanks for the advice everyone!

      Here??are mandatory and optional pieces of the formula:

      • My major event is the old man being uploaded to an “alternate reality” game called “The Cloud”. ??There are no headsets and the game play is indistinguishable from the real world, similar to the Matrix. ?
      • My hero is a grumpy old man who doesn’t have long to live and is looking forward to checking out. ?
      • Similar to Groundhog Day, his goal is to escape “The Cloud” after something goes wrong during the upload and he’s stuck there. ?Luckily his gamer grand-kids are there to guide him through the process.
      • His flaw is his nihilist nature and refusal to communicate with his son and grandchildren.
      • The obstacles he’ll face in The Cloud will revolve around the game’s quest line but more importantly bonding with his grandchildren. ?
      • The stakes are being stuck in a video game but also leaving behind a sour legacy and ultimately losing his “soul”.

      The big reveal is he can’t download to his body because he died during the upload process. ?All that’s left of him is the digital instance of his consciousness in The Cloud. ?At the end of the game he is given the choice to walk through the door to oblivion or go on living and find meaning in this new world.

      So here’s my renewed attempt at a logline:

      A bitter old man must bond with his estranged grandchildren to escape a virtual reality game and repair his legacy as an absent father.? ?

      I’m open to all suggestions.? Thanks for your help!

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    7. Singularity

      It seems like your looking for a good excuse — aka: an inciting incident — that plausibly and logically causes the geezer to play the game.? I would point out that there is a distinct difference between avoiding technology out of fear and avoiding it out of disinterest.? It’s not necessarily a character flaw to eschew having a cell phone or a Facebook account.? ?It could be a character strength to be able to resist the time and money consuming seductions of modern technology.

      Also, who is the target movie audience?? If the protagonist is an old man, why would young people care to watch the movie?? And why would old people want to watch someone like them being forced to immerse himself in VR against his will?? Someone like them being shown to be an antiquated fool?? Why would old people want him to succeed in mastering VR?

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