TEST.LOGLINE.03
After hospital negligence leaves her son profoundly brain-injured, a mother consumed by anger risks alienating him as she struggles to let go of the boy he might have been and accept the boy he has become.
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The first part of the logline is good: “After hospital negligence leaves her son profoundly brain-injured, a mother consumed by anger…”
As for the second part, I believe you went the wrong way. I think the logline should focus on the fight to make those responsible pay instead of the more subjective “Letting go”
Anyway, I believe this is a great idea for a screenplay, good luck! Hope that helped.
The first part of the logline is good: “After hospital negligence leaves her son profoundly brain-injured, a mother consumed by anger…”
As for the second part, I believe you went the wrong way. I think the logline should focus on the fight to make those responsible pay instead of the more subjective “Letting go”
Anyway, I believe this is a great idea for a screenplay, good luck! Hope that helped.
In this draft of the logline, the hospital negligence seems separate to the story line of accepting her son’s change.
If the story is about the mother son relationship then the logline could start with: “After her son suffers a severe brain injury…” and save on words in the logline then continue with her struggle to accept him. Here the stakes would be alienating her only son.
However if the story is about the mother’s fight against the hospital then the logline would better start as is, but continue on to the action she pursues against the hospital. Here the stakes could be losing the help she is needs to care for her son.
As Richieve said, I find more interesting her fight against the medical system or specific hospital rather than the mother son relationship.
Regardless it would be best in future to post new drafts of your logline for the same idea under the discussion of the original post of the logline instead of posting it as a new logline.
In this draft of the logline, the hospital negligence seems separate to the story line of accepting her son’s change.
If the story is about the mother son relationship then the logline could start with: “After her son suffers a severe brain injury…” and save on words in the logline then continue with her struggle to accept him. Here the stakes would be alienating her only son.
However if the story is about the mother’s fight against the hospital then the logline would better start as is, but continue on to the action she pursues against the hospital. Here the stakes could be losing the help she is needs to care for her son.
As Richieve said, I find more interesting her fight against the medical system or specific hospital rather than the mother son relationship.
Regardless it would be best in future to post new drafts of your logline for the same idea under the discussion of the original post of the logline instead of posting it as a new logline.
And I find more interesting the mother son relationship. Different strokes.
And I find more interesting the mother son relationship. Different strokes.
Great input Neer Shelter and dpg. Thank you. I’m new here, so just learning how it all works. I appreciate the tips and feedback. The mother son relationship and her evolution is really the crux of the story.. she fights her ass off, through raging anger and an addiction that resurfaces as a result (which equals the potential risk of losing her son altogether) to basically learn to see the world, herself, her son and life in a completely different way and come out transformed. So, that being the case, it’s clearer now that to start with or even mention “hospital negligence” really isn’t relevant within the logline. Thanks again. L.
Great input Neer Shelter and dpg. Thank you. I’m new here, so just learning how it all works. I appreciate the tips and feedback. The mother son relationship and her evolution is really the crux of the story.. she fights her ass off, through raging anger and an addiction that resurfaces as a result (which equals the potential risk of losing her son altogether) to basically learn to see the world, herself, her son and life in a completely different way and come out transformed. So, that being the case, it’s clearer now that to start with or even mention “hospital negligence” really isn’t relevant within the logline. Thanks again. L.
Nothing wrong with that but if the logline went that way, the beginning (The part about the negligence and consumed with anger) should be changed.
Nothing wrong with that but if the logline went that way, the beginning (The part about the negligence and consumed with anger) should be changed.