Borto
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
After an attack turns him half-man half-abortion, an obstetrician uses newfound abilities to exact revenge on the attackers as his inner demon threatens to become flesh and kill him.
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How can an adult become “half-abortioned” — what does that means?
How can an adult become “half-abortioned” — what does that means?
Think ‘Andre Delambre’ but less science-fictiony…
Think ‘Andre Delambre’ but less science-fictiony…
The description of the inciting incident is unclear because most readers wont know what “…turns him half-man half-abortion,” means.
How else can you describe the event that starts the obstetrician on his journey?
“…newfound abilities…” is a vague description because as a reader I don’t know what these abilities are. Can you specify what he does? Reason this is needed is because this will constitute most of the action in act 2 i.e the majority of the film therefor it is important for the reader to know what it is.
The antagonists in this instance are important because they caused the inciting incident. However the antagonists have a generic description “…attackers…” for a reader to envisage the obstacle that awaits the MC better to describe the antagonists in a more accurate way.
Hope this helps.
The description of the inciting incident is unclear because most readers wont know what “…turns him half-man half-abortion,” means.
How else can you describe the event that starts the obstetrician on his journey?
“…newfound abilities…” is a vague description because as a reader I don’t know what these abilities are. Can you specify what he does? Reason this is needed is because this will constitute most of the action in act 2 i.e the majority of the film therefor it is important for the reader to know what it is.
The antagonists in this instance are important because they caused the inciting incident. However the antagonists have a generic description “…attackers…” for a reader to envisage the obstacle that awaits the MC better to describe the antagonists in a more accurate way.
Hope this helps.
Taking your thoughts into consideration, I now present to you the hand-holding? version which only just comes in at the 30 word mark.
?After pro-lifers boil him alive in an abortion tank, an obstetrician now composed of fetal remains exacts revenge using shapeshifting powers while his inner demon becomes flesh to kill him.?
Taking your thoughts into consideration, I now present to you the hand-holding? version which only just comes in at the 30 word mark.
?After pro-lifers boil him alive in an abortion tank, an obstetrician now composed of fetal remains exacts revenge using shapeshifting powers while his inner demon becomes flesh to kill him.?
I wouldn’t necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet.
If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplay and are composing a logline for pitching purposes then best to to keep it under 30 words.
About the story the logline reads much better as it is clear who the MC is, what event starts the story and what he will do. The visual depiction of the MC could present a point of concern as a result of the gory details and could be a turn off for some producers.
They solved this quite well in Darkman:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099365/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Further more the contradiction in values of the antagonist (pro lifers that try to kill) confuse the antagonists motivations. The MC’s actions are then diluted if the antagonists are pro lifers will they fight or negotiate?
Also exacting revenge alone is a semi selfish act and could present an obstacle for the audience to form empathy for the MC. Better for the MC to exact revenge and return the state of his or her life to better than before the inciting incident. In The Count of Monte Cristo the MC at least had riches to earn, as well as a fiance and honor to try and get back. Whether he does or doesn’t at the end makes little difference as long as these motivated him and not just other peoples suffering and pain.
I wouldn’t necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet.
If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplay and are composing a logline for pitching purposes then best to to keep it under 30 words.
About the story the logline reads much better as it is clear who the MC is, what event starts the story and what he will do. The visual depiction of the MC could present a point of concern as a result of the gory details and could be a turn off for some producers.
They solved this quite well in Darkman:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099365/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Further more the contradiction in values of the antagonist (pro lifers that try to kill) confuse the antagonists motivations. The MC’s actions are then diluted if the antagonists are pro lifers will they fight or negotiate?
Also exacting revenge alone is a semi selfish act and could present an obstacle for the audience to form empathy for the MC. Better for the MC to exact revenge and return the state of his or her life to better than before the inciting incident. In The Count of Monte Cristo the MC at least had riches to earn, as well as a fiance and honor to try and get back. Whether he does or doesn’t at the end makes little difference as long as these motivated him and not just other peoples suffering and pain.
Everything Nir Shelter said.
The logline describes a 2 dramatic struggles with 2 seemingly separate stakes: revenge against the perpetrators and survival against a demon. (Although I’m guessing the demon supplies a ticking clock: can the obs get his revenge before being destroyed by the demon?) It asks the audience to suspend disbelief and wrap their heads around at least 3 tricks of dramatic magic: transmorgification (to fetal matter), shape shifting, and incarnation (of the internal demon). All that from merely being boiled!
And it’s a romantic comedy with an uplifting, happy ending! 😉
Everything Nir Shelter said.
The logline describes a 2 dramatic struggles with 2 seemingly separate stakes: revenge against the perpetrators and survival against a demon. (Although I’m guessing the demon supplies a ticking clock: can the obs get his revenge before being destroyed by the demon?) It asks the audience to suspend disbelief and wrap their heads around at least 3 tricks of dramatic magic: transmorgification (to fetal matter), shape shifting, and incarnation (of the internal demon). All that from merely being boiled!
And it’s a romantic comedy with an uplifting, happy ending! 😉
What’s an abortion tank? Just curious.
What’s an abortion tank? Just curious.
Well, it does have a happy ending, just not so much “romantic comedy”.
Well, it does have a happy ending, just not so much “romantic comedy”.
Shorthand for “abortion disposal unit”. Although, I could still call it that…
Shorthand for “abortion disposal unit”. Although, I could still call it that…
Very interesting concept!
Very interesting concept!
As far as I can take your additional advice, I have but two additional attempts to address the concerns you mentioned –
The “Wordy Version”:
When pro-lifers set fire to an abortion clinic, an obstetrician is unknowingly trapped inside.
As he takes refuge in an abortion disposal tank, an electrical fault activates the mechanism.
He is then transformed into part-man part-foetal matter which gives him shapeshifting powers.
Using his new abilities he begins to take revenge while visions of a mother-creature composed of his victims haunt his mind.
After he takes an innocent life, the mother-creature becomes flesh to try and destroy him.
His powers having now abandoned him, he must save the innocent life to redeem himself and save his own.
———
The “Less Wordy Version”:
After pro-lifers try boiling him to death in an abortion disposal unit, an obstetrician now composed of fetal remains takes his revenge using shapeshifting powers, but when he takes an innocent life, his inner demon becomes flesh to kill him.
(This version actually came first, but it really didn’t answer your concerns at all.)
———
Feedback appreciated, let’s see what can happen from this point forward…
As far as I can take your additional advice, I have but two additional attempts to address the concerns you mentioned –
The “Wordy Version”:
When pro-lifers set fire to an abortion clinic, an obstetrician is unknowingly trapped inside.
As he takes refuge in an abortion disposal tank, an electrical fault activates the mechanism.
He is then transformed into part-man part-foetal matter which gives him shapeshifting powers.
Using his new abilities he begins to take revenge while visions of a mother-creature composed of his victims haunt his mind.
After he takes an innocent life, the mother-creature becomes flesh to try and destroy him.
His powers having now abandoned him, he must save the innocent life to redeem himself and save his own.
———
The “Less Wordy Version”:
After pro-lifers try boiling him to death in an abortion disposal unit, an obstetrician now composed of fetal remains takes his revenge using shapeshifting powers, but when he takes an innocent life, his inner demon becomes flesh to kill him.
(This version actually came first, but it really didn’t answer your concerns at all.)
———
Feedback appreciated, let’s see what can happen from this point forward…
What’s the unifying theme?
What’s the unifying theme?
Motherly Love.
Motherly Love.
The principal structural issue I have with the logline is that it seems to have 2 inciting incidents: 1] Being boiled in the vat incites him to wreak revenge on his attackers; and 2] Killing an innocent person triggers his inner demon take revenge on him. It would seem that 2] is a 2nd act complication, but it is not the inciting incident of the story.
And why, a prolifer would want to know, didn’t the demon go after the obs when he was murdering innocent unborn children? I don’t which side of the abortion debate your story takes, but the subject is an emotional minefield.
The principal structural issue I have with the logline is that it seems to have 2 inciting incidents: 1] Being boiled in the vat incites him to wreak revenge on his attackers; and 2] Killing an innocent person triggers his inner demon take revenge on him. It would seem that 2] is a 2nd act complication, but it is not the inciting incident of the story.
And why, a prolifer would want to know, didn’t the demon go after the obs when he was murdering innocent unborn children? I don’t which side of the abortion debate your story takes, but the subject is an emotional minefield.
1) Look at the “Wordy Version” and that’s the whole ‘plot’ (I guess), it looks like there’s more to it than there is, but I’m just trying to answer questions people have had – why this, how come that, etc.
2) The demon may just be a complication, but it’s part of the story, it’s included so maybe somebody can help me see a way around it in order to turn this into a better performing logline.
And…
Because the demon is from his own head, a psychological side effect of his transformation, until then the demon never existed except maybe as an attachment to his own guilt as a doctor who takes lives / performs abortions.
I’m not into the whole ‘Rob Zombie / the vicious killer had a traumatic childhood / a semester and a half of basic psych’ thing, so emotional minefield or not, I’m not really looking to address it.
1) Look at the “Wordy Version” and that’s the whole ‘plot’ (I guess), it looks like there’s more to it than there is, but I’m just trying to answer questions people have had – why this, how come that, etc.
2) The demon may just be a complication, but it’s part of the story, it’s included so maybe somebody can help me see a way around it in order to turn this into a better performing logline.
And…
Because the demon is from his own head, a psychological side effect of his transformation, until then the demon never existed except maybe as an attachment to his own guilt as a doctor who takes lives / performs abortions.
I’m not into the whole ‘Rob Zombie / the vicious killer had a traumatic childhood / a semester and a half of basic psych’ thing, so emotional minefield or not, I’m not really looking to address it.
Regardless of your intentions, the subject of abortion is an emotional minefield. This is not a story that tip toes through a tulip field.
What is the meaning of it all? What does he come to realize by the FADE OUT about life (versus abortion), about himself that he didn’t understand at the FADE IN? What do you want the audience to take away from the story? Someone once said movies are emotional delivery systems. What’s the emotional experience you seek to deliver?
Regardless of your intentions, the subject of abortion is an emotional minefield. This is not a story that tip toes through a tulip field.
What is the meaning of it all? What does he come to realize by the FADE OUT about life (versus abortion), about himself that he didn’t understand at the FADE IN? What do you want the audience to take away from the story? Someone once said movies are emotional delivery systems. What’s the emotional experience you seek to deliver?
I’m not sure where you’re getting the idea that this is some kind of anti-abortion Meredith Baxter touchie-feelie piece, but it’s really not.
I’m not sure where you’re getting the idea that this is some kind of anti-abortion Meredith Baxter touchie-feelie piece, but it’s really not.