Spiral Dragon. A Heroine’s Journey of Transformation.
An Australian researcher, transforms her life, after meeting a Scottish SAS captain in London and making a commitment to meet him again in five years time, when he retires.
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Hi Phoenix. I think this sentence generates enough interest to hook readers, but as a logline, you may want to include the conflict or goal. Is it just to meet the captain again in 5 years, or something larger, more urgent?
If you’re sticking with the logline as it is now, you can remove the first two commas (not necessary) and just stick with the last.
Cheers
This is a good logline, and one that doesn’t need too much work.
I would be interested in a little more detail in regards to WHY she needs to transform her life in the first place. What issues did she have that makes us commit to the transformation.
Also does anything stand in her way in regards to making the 5 year appointment? Obstacles.
An Australian researcher transforms her life after meeting a Scottish SAS captain in London, and making a commitment to meet him again in five years time, when he retires.
^^Ignore that, don’t know what happened there….but something like this might work better…
An Australian researcher transforms her (Mundane?) life after meeting a Scottish SAS captain in London, and making a commitment to meet him again in five years time, when he retires. (She will need to convince her overprotective family if she really is to live happily ever after.)
Rubbish examples, but you get what I mean.
Hi CatdFifth thanks for the feedback; the transformation is the ‘journey’; the commitment is the pivotal point. I think the logline as it is now works and will take the advice of the commas.
Cheers Phoenix
Holbrook99 thanks for the feedback.The appointment is the pivotal point for everything that happens; the obstacles and challenges part of the journey.
cheers Phoenix