Flash of Light
A young candle maker with hidden magic powers teams up with an aloof dragon knight to battle monsters in a dark realm while seeking to rescue her twin brother before a sinister sorcerer uses him to activate an ancient weapon.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
The character description in this logline jumps out and not in a good way. Currently there are three things the MC is: young, a candle maker and has magic powers. Economy in words adds power to a log line so better to use a shorter more potent description for the MC preferably a description that will make it seam like the MC will have a hard time achieving her goal.
The ally being aloof reads more like a Don Quixote type character than a monster fighting hero, what will be his function in the story once they enter the dark realm? Also what is a dragon night? Is he a dragon or a night that fights dragons?
Perhaps better to describe him in a way that clarifies his use to the MC.
Lastly there appears to be two separate parts to the story in the one log line; first is about the MC fighting monsters in the dark realm the second about saving her brother.
I understand that the second part of the logline is there to put pressure on the first but it doesn’t read this way. For the causality between the two parts of the log line to be clear define the inciting incident as the kidnap of the brother by the sorcerer first then describe her action in fighting to save him.
example:
After an evil sorcerer kidnaps her brother a young candle maker hires a retired dragon slayer to help her rescue her brother and save the land from the sorcerer.
Hope this helps.
The character description in this logline jumps out and not in a good way. Currently there are three things the MC is: young, a candle maker and has magic powers. Economy in words adds power to a log line so better to use a shorter more potent description for the MC preferably a description that will make it seam like the MC will have a hard time achieving her goal.
The ally being aloof reads more like a Don Quixote type character than a monster fighting hero, what will be his function in the story once they enter the dark realm? Also what is a dragon night? Is he a dragon or a night that fights dragons?
Perhaps better to describe him in a way that clarifies his use to the MC.
Lastly there appears to be two separate parts to the story in the one log line; first is about the MC fighting monsters in the dark realm the second about saving her brother.
I understand that the second part of the logline is there to put pressure on the first but it doesn’t read this way. For the causality between the two parts of the log line to be clear define the inciting incident as the kidnap of the brother by the sorcerer first then describe her action in fighting to save him.
example:
After an evil sorcerer kidnaps her brother a young candle maker hires a retired dragon slayer to help her rescue her brother and save the land from the sorcerer.
Hope this helps.
Hello Nir,
Thank you for your feedback. I’ve been wrestling with getting this logline down for a while.
Both twins have latent magic powers over light that get stronger throughout the story. The brother’s powers just happen to manifest first, which attracts the sorcerer’s attention.
The knight is a dragon rider. His best friend is his dragon companion. When I used aloof, I meant to say distant as in not much of a people person, preferring the company of dragons. He is near the same age as the candle maker.
The sorcerer is the king of the dark realm and the monsters are his minions.
I’ll think things over a bit more and see if I can make the logline clearer.
Hello Nir,
Thank you for your feedback. I’ve been wrestling with getting this logline down for a while.
Both twins have latent magic powers over light that get stronger throughout the story. The brother’s powers just happen to manifest first, which attracts the sorcerer’s attention.
The knight is a dragon rider. His best friend is his dragon companion. When I used aloof, I meant to say distant as in not much of a people person, preferring the company of dragons. He is near the same age as the candle maker.
The sorcerer is the king of the dark realm and the monsters are his minions.
I’ll think things over a bit more and see if I can make the logline clearer.
“When her twin brother’s kidnapped by an evil sorcerer, a candle maker with burgeoning magical powers must enter the ‘dark realm’ to rescue her brother and stop the abductors plan before both realms are destroyed.”
“When her twin brother’s kidnapped by an evil sorcerer, a candle maker with burgeoning magical powers must enter the ‘dark realm’ to rescue her brother and stop the abductors plan before both realms are destroyed.”
Hello Richiev,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Here’s another one of my attempts:
“A candle maker with developing magic powers must enter a dark realm of monsters to rescue her kidnapped twin brother before an evil sorcerer uses him in plan to destroy their kingdom.”
Hello Richiev,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Here’s another one of my attempts:
“A candle maker with developing magic powers must enter a dark realm of monsters to rescue her kidnapped twin brother before an evil sorcerer uses him in plan to destroy their kingdom.”
I believe it’s better to start with the event which gets the story going, however your latest attempt was pretty good and definitively usable.
How about this, I shuffled what you wrote just a little bit:
—–
When her twin brother is kidnapped, a candle maker with developing magic powers must enter a dark realm of monsters before an evil sorcerer uses him to destroy their kingdom.?
—–
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
I believe it’s better to start with the event which gets the story going, however your latest attempt was pretty good and definitively usable.
How about this, I shuffled what you wrote just a little bit:
—–
When her twin brother is kidnapped, a candle maker with developing magic powers must enter a dark realm of monsters before an evil sorcerer uses him to destroy their kingdom.?
—–
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
I see.
So from what I understand here is a quick point form breakdown of your story so far:
MC – candle maker
flaw – naive?
inciting incident – twin being kidnapped
external goal – save MCs twin
internal goal – grow up? become mature? take responsibility?
antagonist – sorcerer
obstacle – monsters
ally/possible love interest/possible mentor – knight
main action – fight monsters and sorcerer
Making the brother a twin raises the stakes even higher really good addition.
Has the making of a well structure story and it sounds interesting as a fantasy adventure I would go watch this movie.
I suggest redrafting the logline to include: inciting incident, MC+description, external goal, main action, antagonist, obstacle and (if word count permits) ally/possible love interest/possible mentor.
I don’t think this logline needs her magic powers mentioned nor the specifics of the knight, his abilities, personality and dragon friends, knight is enough to describe his character in the log line.
i.e:
After her twin is kidnapped by an evil sorcerer a candle maker with the help of a knight must fight the monsters in the dark realm to reach the sorcerer and save the last remaining member of her family.
I see.
So from what I understand here is a quick point form breakdown of your story so far:
MC – candle maker
flaw – naive?
inciting incident – twin being kidnapped
external goal – save MCs twin
internal goal – grow up? become mature? take responsibility?
antagonist – sorcerer
obstacle – monsters
ally/possible love interest/possible mentor – knight
main action – fight monsters and sorcerer
Making the brother a twin raises the stakes even higher really good addition.
Has the making of a well structure story and it sounds interesting as a fantasy adventure I would go watch this movie.
I suggest redrafting the logline to include: inciting incident, MC+description, external goal, main action, antagonist, obstacle and (if word count permits) ally/possible love interest/possible mentor.
I don’t think this logline needs her magic powers mentioned nor the specifics of the knight, his abilities, personality and dragon friends, knight is enough to describe his character in the log line.
i.e:
After her twin is kidnapped by an evil sorcerer a candle maker with the help of a knight must fight the monsters in the dark realm to reach the sorcerer and save the last remaining member of her family.
As Richiev said inciting incident first is always better.
As Richiev said inciting incident first is always better.
Thank you so much for all your help. I have a much better understanding of my logline now. 🙂
Thank you so much for all your help. I have a much better understanding of my logline now. 🙂
When an evil sorcerer kidnaps her brother, a young gypsy who has used her psychic powers to exploit others must learn how to use them to defeat the sorcerer.
It seems to me that the premise would benefit from a stronger character arc. That is, she hasn’t hidden or repressed her magical powers; rather, she has squandered them, used them for selfish, foolish, negative purposes.
Framed in that way, the aspect of the story that hooks my interest is not that she must rescue her brother — rescue scenarios are a dime a dozen — but that in order to rescue him she must first transform herself. She must learn how to transform all her negative energy into positive energy, to retool her talents for good instead of evil.
And, come to find out, the right way to use her talents is also the hardest way.
fwiw.
When an evil sorcerer kidnaps her brother, a young gypsy who has used her psychic powers to exploit others must learn how to use them to defeat the sorcerer.
It seems to me that the premise would benefit from a stronger character arc. That is, she hasn’t hidden or repressed her magical powers; rather, she has squandered them, used them for selfish, foolish, negative purposes.
Framed in that way, the aspect of the story that hooks my interest is not that she must rescue her brother — rescue scenarios are a dime a dozen — but that in order to rescue him she must first transform herself. She must learn how to transform all her negative energy into positive energy, to retool her talents for good instead of evil.
And, come to find out, the right way to use her talents is also the hardest way.
fwiw.
DPG, I believe ‘candle maker’ is supposed to go with the ‘dark realm’.
The world she enters is dark but because she’s a candle maker she can light the way and search for her brother.
To me that sounds as if it’s the ‘hook’ of the story.
Now if her magical power had to do with ‘creating light’ and the evil sorcerers plan was to plunge her world into eternal darkness, that would be interesting.
DPG, I believe ‘candle maker’ is supposed to go with the ‘dark realm’.
The world she enters is dark but because she’s a candle maker she can light the way and search for her brother.
To me that sounds as if it’s the ‘hook’ of the story.
Now if her magical power had to do with ‘creating light’ and the evil sorcerers plan was to plunge her world into eternal darkness, that would be interesting.
Yeah, I got the metaphor. And she can still be a candle maker as her day job, as her cover, while she is abusing her powers.
What does “light the way” mean translated into a plot? Her objective goal is to rescue her brother. It seems to me she has to discover how to “light the way” for herself — subjective need — before she can do it for anyone else. If her brother is trapped in physical darkness, she’s trapped in spiritual darkness.
Or framing if from another perspective: if she’s already got the “right stuff”, she just needs to use it, then what’s her character flaw? What is there for the audience to worry about? That she is doomed because her powers are no match, never will be, for the sorcerer? Not likely if the story has a happy ending.
So, again, what is there for an audience to worry about? What if she has an “Achilles heel” (character flaw) which, when all else fails the sorcerer — her powers prove equal to his — threatens to be the means for him to prevail against her? And not just prevail but destroy her?
I see the story in the mythical mold of the Hero’s journey, a call to adventure (linked to an objective goal) which implicitly entails a challenge to change, to grow (linked to a subjective need).
fwiw.
Yeah, I got the metaphor. And she can still be a candle maker as her day job, as her cover, while she is abusing her powers.
What does “light the way” mean translated into a plot? Her objective goal is to rescue her brother. It seems to me she has to discover how to “light the way” for herself — subjective need — before she can do it for anyone else. If her brother is trapped in physical darkness, she’s trapped in spiritual darkness.
Or framing if from another perspective: if she’s already got the “right stuff”, she just needs to use it, then what’s her character flaw? What is there for the audience to worry about? That she is doomed because her powers are no match, never will be, for the sorcerer? Not likely if the story has a happy ending.
So, again, what is there for an audience to worry about? What if she has an “Achilles heel” (character flaw) which, when all else fails the sorcerer — her powers prove equal to his — threatens to be the means for him to prevail against her? And not just prevail but destroy her?
I see the story in the mythical mold of the Hero’s journey, a call to adventure (linked to an objective goal) which implicitly entails a challenge to change, to grow (linked to a subjective need).
fwiw.
Well to me her obvious character flow would be ‘she’s afraid of the dark’ which is why she became a candle maker. Now she must do the last thing she would ever want to do. Enter the dark realm.
But that’s just my take, not sure where the OP was heading with this.
Well to me her obvious character flow would be ‘she’s afraid of the dark’ which is why she became a candle maker. Now she must do the last thing she would ever want to do. Enter the dark realm.
But that’s just my take, not sure where the OP was heading with this.
Richiev,
I like your take, too.
In that scenario, the last thing she would ever want to do must also be the last thing she (finally) MUST do after all other options have been exhausted. Consequently, that ultimate confrontation with darkness would happen around the end of Act 2 — it would not occur early on or anywhere in the 1st half of Act 2.
And the physical darkness could imply a corresponding subjective internal “heart of darkness” in herself that she must also confront. (Say, akin to Luke Skywalker confronting his Darth Vader shadow-self in “Return of the Jedi”.)
The premise has interesting choices.
Richiev,
I like your take, too.
In that scenario, the last thing she would ever want to do must also be the last thing she (finally) MUST do after all other options have been exhausted. Consequently, that ultimate confrontation with darkness would happen around the end of Act 2 — it would not occur early on or anywhere in the 1st half of Act 2.
And the physical darkness could imply a corresponding subjective internal “heart of darkness” in herself that she must also confront. (Say, akin to Luke Skywalker confronting his Darth Vader shadow-self in “Return of the Jedi”.)
The premise has interesting choices.
I’m glad we’re discussing character flaws. Working out the flaw for the candle maker has been a bit of a challenge for me. My initial idea was that she is impulsive, always rushing into things without thinking them through. Over the course of the story, she would have to be less reckless with her decisions, especially since lives are now on the line. But I like Richiev’s idea of a fear of the dark, too.
I’m glad we’re discussing character flaws. Working out the flaw for the candle maker has been a bit of a challenge for me. My initial idea was that she is impulsive, always rushing into things without thinking them through. Over the course of the story, she would have to be less reckless with her decisions, especially since lives are now on the line. But I like Richiev’s idea of a fear of the dark, too.
Maybe even more than just ‘afraid of the dark’ but absolutely terrified of it.
At night she lights her whole house with candles so there is no darkness anywhere in the house and since she was a child she has been told stories about the ‘dark realm’; she was told if she was a bad girl monsters from the dark realm would get her.
(It would help if there was some traumatic experience that happened to her when she was just a child, maybe her parents were killed by a creature from the dark real, they enter our world when the shadows are dark enough)
Maybe even more than just ‘afraid of the dark’ but absolutely terrified of it.
At night she lights her whole house with candles so there is no darkness anywhere in the house and since she was a child she has been told stories about the ‘dark realm’; she was told if she was a bad girl monsters from the dark realm would get her.
(It would help if there was some traumatic experience that happened to her when she was just a child, maybe her parents were killed by a creature from the dark real, they enter our world when the shadows are dark enough)
Impulsiveness is always a handy character trait to create new problems, but,as Richiev observed, the story seems to have a visual motif of light and darkness. How would impulsiveness fit into that motif? Or do you have another motif in mind?
Impulsiveness is always a handy character trait to create new problems, but,as Richiev observed, the story seems to have a visual motif of light and darkness. How would impulsiveness fit into that motif? Or do you have another motif in mind?
Good points raised by DPG and Richiev.
The character flaw in many fantasy movies is normally a cliche and waters down the impact of the journey. I think that both DPG and Richiev’s suggestions put together are the better option only after she learns her lesson and completes her inner journey is she able to save her brother.
Karel Segeres mentioned the order of the inner and outer goal achievements needing to be that only after the MC achieves the inner goal and completes their arc are they allowed to achieve the outer goal as a reward.
Basically what this means is that achieving the outer journey’s goal is a feat and raises its significants, significantly.
Good points raised by DPG and Richiev.
The character flaw in many fantasy movies is normally a cliche and waters down the impact of the journey. I think that both DPG and Richiev’s suggestions put together are the better option only after she learns her lesson and completes her inner journey is she able to save her brother.
Karel Segeres mentioned the order of the inner and outer goal achievements needing to be that only after the MC achieves the inner goal and completes their arc are they allowed to achieve the outer goal as a reward.
Basically what this means is that achieving the outer journey’s goal is a feat and raises its significants, significantly.