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livejosh1ninePenpusher
Posted: February 24, 20152015-02-24T08:33:41+10:00 2015-02-24T08:33:41+10:00In: Public

An interracial family adopts a pair of kids with special powers from an orphanage, and sets out to help each of them find their one remaining parent.

Super Family Drama

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    34 Reviews

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    1. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-24T10:40:31+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 10:40 am

      Who is the main character? What is the story’s inciting incident that happens to either him or her?

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    2. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-24T10:40:31+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 10:40 am

      Who is the main character? What is the story’s inciting incident that happens to either him or her?

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    3. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-24T10:53:41+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 10:53 am

      Well the main characters are the two adopted kids. They were experimented on in the orphanage by a rogue government organization which resulted in them getting powers. The rogue org got found out and shut down. The kids got adopted the same day as the shut down and were informed by the government that they each had one remaining parent alive. Agents of the rogue org are hunting them down, while they search for their parents with their new family and learn how to use their powers.

      I was trying to hone it down though.

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    4. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-24T10:53:41+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 10:53 am

      Well the main characters are the two adopted kids. They were experimented on in the orphanage by a rogue government organization which resulted in them getting powers. The rogue org got found out and shut down. The kids got adopted the same day as the shut down and were informed by the government that they each had one remaining parent alive. Agents of the rogue org are hunting them down, while they search for their parents with their new family and learn how to use their powers.

      I was trying to hone it down though.

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    5. Knightrider Mentor
      2015-02-24T11:35:58+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 11:35 am

      Yep, I am like Nik. I am a little confused on the MC as it seems it could be the parents. Maybe also lacking an antagonist element.is the government after them? Were the parents experimented on and the children were given up as the powers would by passed down?

      It is almost there and I like the idea, but maybe attaching an element like the bourne movie where the one place they can get answers is the one place they can’t return to, which in your case is the government agency that created them.

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    6. Knightrider Mentor
      2015-02-24T11:35:58+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 11:35 am

      Yep, I am like Nik. I am a little confused on the MC as it seems it could be the parents. Maybe also lacking an antagonist element.is the government after them? Were the parents experimented on and the children were given up as the powers would by passed down?

      It is almost there and I like the idea, but maybe attaching an element like the bourne movie where the one place they can get answers is the one place they can’t return to, which in your case is the government agency that created them.

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    7. dpg Singularity
      2015-02-24T12:37:35+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      >>Well the main characters are the two adopted kids.

      But logline positions the parents as the protagonists. The parents adopt the kids; the parents help them find their surviving parents.

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    8. dpg Singularity
      2015-02-24T12:37:35+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      >>Well the main characters are the two adopted kids.

      But logline positions the parents as the protagonists. The parents adopt the kids; the parents help them find their surviving parents.

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    9. Richiev Singularity
      2015-02-24T14:10:29+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 2:10 pm

      “After they are saved from an experimental drug facility, two foster children with special powers vow to find their biological parents but must evade those wish to capture them to discover the source of their abilities”

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    10. Richiev Singularity
      2015-02-24T14:10:29+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 2:10 pm

      “After they are saved from an experimental drug facility, two foster children with special powers vow to find their biological parents but must evade those wish to capture them to discover the source of their abilities”

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    11. Lucius Paisley Logliner
      2015-02-24T16:31:44+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 4:31 pm

      Um, the source of their abilities is the experimental drug facility. You said that at the start.

      Did you forget 😉

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    12. Lucius Paisley Logliner
      2015-02-24T16:31:44+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 4:31 pm

      Um, the source of their abilities is the experimental drug facility. You said that at the start.

      Did you forget 😉

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    13. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-24T16:55:50+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 4:55 pm

      Oh my gosh! I hadn’t even realized I did that.

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    14. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-24T16:55:50+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 4:55 pm

      Oh my gosh! I hadn’t even realized I did that.

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    15. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-24T17:23:16+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 5:23 pm

      This was so informative… man…

      Okay. So, after much thought, what about this?

      “After gaining special powers from an experimental drug facility, two foster children partner with their adopted family to locate their remaining biological parents, while fighting to evade capture from the agents that gave them their powers.”

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    16. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-24T17:23:16+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2015 at 5:23 pm

      This was so informative… man…

      Okay. So, after much thought, what about this?

      “After gaining special powers from an experimental drug facility, two foster children partner with their adopted family to locate their remaining biological parents, while fighting to evade capture from the agents that gave them their powers.”

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    17. 2015-02-25T07:46:10+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 7:46 am

      After gaining special powers while being incarcerated in a former experimental-drug facility, two now fostered children partner with their adoptive family to find their biological parents. They must evade capture and outsmart those who gave them their powers so they can get the answers they need and find their parents.?

      What do you think? Does this help?

      I don’t think you need to write ‘remaining biological parents’. Let that they only have one remaining parent each come out in the story. ‘Remaining’ just seems to hang there without explanation.

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    18. 2015-02-25T07:46:10+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 7:46 am

      After gaining special powers while being incarcerated in a former experimental-drug facility, two now fostered children partner with their adoptive family to find their biological parents. They must evade capture and outsmart those who gave them their powers so they can get the answers they need and find their parents.?

      What do you think? Does this help?

      I don’t think you need to write ‘remaining biological parents’. Let that they only have one remaining parent each come out in the story. ‘Remaining’ just seems to hang there without explanation.

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    19. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-25T08:35:11+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 8:35 am

      I see, the natural question then is; Why two protagonists and not one? In what way does having more than one MC help the story?

      The chain of events feels add-hock and the events themselves seam lacking a relation to each other.

      By this I mean “…gaining special powers…” doesn’t flow logically in the world of the story on to them getting adopted and to motivate them to “… locate their remaining biological parents,” and “…evade capture from the agents that gave them their powers.”
      For this chain of events to make perfect sense and leave the reader wanting more (as you can see from the logline) this story will need a lot of explaining. So if much explaining is needed in the logline this is indicative of the script having much explaining (likely exposition or direct address VO briefing etc…) as well. In story explanations = boring so best to reduce it as much as possible.

      Also there have been many super power movies and specifically teenagers gaining super power movies at that. This means that you would need to work harder to make a kid with a super power original and interesting.

      I recommend specifying the exact power the kids have because “super power” comes across as a generic description. This will help make these characters unique also best to relate the super power to their goal and give them an inner journey that relates as well.

      e.g:
      After an orphan with a fear of abandonment is made a clairvoyant by a secret government agency, he with the help of his new adopting family must find his parents whom he senses are alive and in trouble.

      Putting the biological parents in “trouble” adds a ticking time bomb element and raises the stakes as well.

      Hope this helps.

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    20. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-25T08:35:11+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 8:35 am

      I see, the natural question then is; Why two protagonists and not one? In what way does having more than one MC help the story?

      The chain of events feels add-hock and the events themselves seam lacking a relation to each other.

      By this I mean “…gaining special powers…” doesn’t flow logically in the world of the story on to them getting adopted and to motivate them to “… locate their remaining biological parents,” and “…evade capture from the agents that gave them their powers.”
      For this chain of events to make perfect sense and leave the reader wanting more (as you can see from the logline) this story will need a lot of explaining. So if much explaining is needed in the logline this is indicative of the script having much explaining (likely exposition or direct address VO briefing etc…) as well. In story explanations = boring so best to reduce it as much as possible.

      Also there have been many super power movies and specifically teenagers gaining super power movies at that. This means that you would need to work harder to make a kid with a super power original and interesting.

      I recommend specifying the exact power the kids have because “super power” comes across as a generic description. This will help make these characters unique also best to relate the super power to their goal and give them an inner journey that relates as well.

      e.g:
      After an orphan with a fear of abandonment is made a clairvoyant by a secret government agency, he with the help of his new adopting family must find his parents whom he senses are alive and in trouble.

      Putting the biological parents in “trouble” adds a ticking time bomb element and raises the stakes as well.

      Hope this helps.

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    21. dpg Singularity
      2015-02-25T12:55:36+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      As Nir Shelter said.

      And shouldn’t their special powers enable them find to find their missing parents on their own? In this genre of story, special powers have to function in relation to the objective goal; they essentially drive the plot. Otherwise they are window dressing; they serve no useful dramatic purpose.

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    22. dpg Singularity
      2015-02-25T12:55:36+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      As Nir Shelter said.

      And shouldn’t their special powers enable them find to find their missing parents on their own? In this genre of story, special powers have to function in relation to the objective goal; they essentially drive the plot. Otherwise they are window dressing; they serve no useful dramatic purpose.

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    23. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-25T16:38:56+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 4:38 pm

      Well the idea behind the powers is this…. the government agents were trying to harvest the power of imagination from the children. All of the other children were abducted by nightmares, but the remaining two were able to imagine the nightmares away.

      I’m having trouble keeping the imagination bit down to a concise form.

      And in addition to them being strong in imagination, I made the two of them the main characters because ultimately the show is about family and the love of a family. Having two unrelated kids get adopted by the same family creates a much bigger strife potential, but also shows the power of family in a much bigger way.

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    24. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-25T16:38:56+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 4:38 pm

      Well the idea behind the powers is this…. the government agents were trying to harvest the power of imagination from the children. All of the other children were abducted by nightmares, but the remaining two were able to imagine the nightmares away.

      I’m having trouble keeping the imagination bit down to a concise form.

      And in addition to them being strong in imagination, I made the two of them the main characters because ultimately the show is about family and the love of a family. Having two unrelated kids get adopted by the same family creates a much bigger strife potential, but also shows the power of family in a much bigger way.

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    25. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-25T17:08:27+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 5:08 pm

      Originally the story had the government telling them that they had parents alive… but the story- and log line- may work better if they sense their parents as a result of their powers… hm…

      “Two foster children, upon receiving complex mind powers from a rogue government agency, immediately sense their remaining parents are alive and in trouble and set out with their adopting family to find them, while avoiding capture from rogue agency.”

      I know it’s a little long, but am I on the right track?

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    26. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-02-25T17:08:27+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2015 at 5:08 pm

      Originally the story had the government telling them that they had parents alive… but the story- and log line- may work better if they sense their parents as a result of their powers… hm…

      “Two foster children, upon receiving complex mind powers from a rogue government agency, immediately sense their remaining parents are alive and in trouble and set out with their adopting family to find them, while avoiding capture from rogue agency.”

      I know it’s a little long, but am I on the right track?

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    27. dpg Singularity
      2015-02-26T00:19:01+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2015 at 12:19 am

      >>>ultimately the show is about family and the love of a family

      Which is always a powerful theme. But the central conceit of the story — what makes it stand out from a 1,001 other films with a similar family value theme — is the special powers of the kids.

      For what nefarious purpose does the government want to “harvest their imagination”?

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    28. dpg Singularity
      2015-02-26T00:19:01+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2015 at 12:19 am

      >>>ultimately the show is about family and the love of a family

      Which is always a powerful theme. But the central conceit of the story — what makes it stand out from a 1,001 other films with a similar family value theme — is the special powers of the kids.

      For what nefarious purpose does the government want to “harvest their imagination”?

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    29. Rutger Oosterhoff Logliner
      2015-02-26T02:22:53+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2015 at 2:22 am

      OK, do not use …xing, if you can. Keep the words ‘active’ if possible. Futher more I like NIRs take because it links all elements together: “After an orphan with a fear of abandonment is made a clairvoyant by a secret government agency, he with the help of his new adopting family must find his parents whom he senses are alive and in trouble. ” I’m not sure of: ” .. he with…” must that not be “…he(,) with..” ?

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    30. Rutger Oosterhoff Logliner
      2015-02-26T02:22:53+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2015 at 2:22 am

      OK, do not use …xing, if you can. Keep the words ‘active’ if possible. Futher more I like NIRs take because it links all elements together: “After an orphan with a fear of abandonment is made a clairvoyant by a secret government agency, he with the help of his new adopting family must find his parents whom he senses are alive and in trouble. ” I’m not sure of: ” .. he with…” must that not be “…he(,) with..” ?

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    31. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-26T09:06:30+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2015 at 9:06 am

      I still don’t understand the need for a dual protagonist as it doesn’t add to the story.

      “Having two unrelated kids get adopted by the same family creates a much bigger strife potential,” – I don’t see how.

      “…but also shows the power of family in a much bigger way.” – I don’t see how this is the case either.

      I strongly recommend focusing on a single protagonist plot it is hard enough to structure as is already.

      Your latest draft of the logline is better but still lacks a clear cut cause and effect relationship between the kids and the foster families avoiding capture.

      “…the show is about family and the love of a family.” – if so then make the family the goal. If the kids already have a loving family in form of the foster family and still decide to go after the biological parents they never knew then the story is about biological relationships and not necessarily family.

      I’d change my original logline recommendation to:
      After an orphan with a fear of abandonment is abducted and made a clairvoyant by a secret government agency, he senses his parents are alive and in trouble he must break out of the agency and find his parents before it is too late.

      If it is about two kids and a family the support network available to them is greater. They are safer and have more resources at their disposal ultimately it is less interesting as the chances of success are higher this way.

      Make it a single protagonist with no family and he or she want to get a family (as the show is about the love of a family they want so badly) also make them young and make them go out into the world on their own to do this and the stakes go sky high.

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    32. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-26T09:06:30+10:00Added an answer on February 26, 2015 at 9:06 am

      I still don’t understand the need for a dual protagonist as it doesn’t add to the story.

      “Having two unrelated kids get adopted by the same family creates a much bigger strife potential,” – I don’t see how.

      “…but also shows the power of family in a much bigger way.” – I don’t see how this is the case either.

      I strongly recommend focusing on a single protagonist plot it is hard enough to structure as is already.

      Your latest draft of the logline is better but still lacks a clear cut cause and effect relationship between the kids and the foster families avoiding capture.

      “…the show is about family and the love of a family.” – if so then make the family the goal. If the kids already have a loving family in form of the foster family and still decide to go after the biological parents they never knew then the story is about biological relationships and not necessarily family.

      I’d change my original logline recommendation to:
      After an orphan with a fear of abandonment is abducted and made a clairvoyant by a secret government agency, he senses his parents are alive and in trouble he must break out of the agency and find his parents before it is too late.

      If it is about two kids and a family the support network available to them is greater. They are safer and have more resources at their disposal ultimately it is less interesting as the chances of success are higher this way.

      Make it a single protagonist with no family and he or she want to get a family (as the show is about the love of a family they want so badly) also make them young and make them go out into the world on their own to do this and the stakes go sky high.

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    33. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-03-03T06:27:49+10:00Added an answer on March 3, 2015 at 6:27 am

      Sorry everybody, I got sick from a tooth infection out of nowhere last week that took me. I’m reviewing everything said! Thanks for the feedback!

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    34. livejosh1nine Penpusher
      2015-03-03T06:27:49+10:00Added an answer on March 3, 2015 at 6:27 am

      Sorry everybody, I got sick from a tooth infection out of nowhere last week that took me. I’m reviewing everything said! Thanks for the feedback!

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