A teen mysteriously cured of terminal cancer becomes the centerpiece of a war between supernatural factions that are hellbent on procuring a miraculous, prophetic pregnancy that grows inside of her.
Jason RhodesPenpusher
A teen mysteriously cured of terminal cancer becomes the centerpiece of a war between supernatural factions that are hellbent on procuring a miraculous, prophetic pregnancy that grows inside of her.
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The problem is, you are telling us what the supernatural forces want but not what the teen wants.
What is the lead character’s goal?
“When she becomes pregnant, a confused virgin must…” (Then tell us what she must do)
BTW it seems like the ‘becoming pregnant would be the inciting incident, not being cured of cancer.
True about Protagonist’s Goal.
Now you might say next that it’s implied: “safety of her child and herself” but it’s cool if the logline spells it out. That helps us visualize the nature of her journey and work on making it more hooking. That IMO must remain a logliner’s goal.
Also maybe Jason meant that her pregnancy isn’t a surprise. ..then the Inciting Event remains “getting miraculously cured of cancer” to attract global attention.
Goodluck!
Lots (not millions, but lots) of people have had their cancer mysteriously disappear, in this here real world. You need to tell us more about that. What’s different about her? And what does the pregnancy have to do with anything?? What’s different about this baby? Did the baby cure the cancer or did whatever cured the cancer make the baby special or is she special and that’s why the cancer’s gone and the baby’s special, and if so why aren’t they after her too? Why does she have to be a teen? Who’s the main character? She “becomes the centerpiece”… not only do you not tell us her goal, you don’t even tell us if she has any idea that she’s special or targeted. IS she the main character? And wouldn’t there be more conflict available if the baby is already born? Currently the baby is wherever she is but if it’s already out, she has to sleep at some point right? I dunno, just seems limp.
Who is the protagonist? If not the girl you must decide who it will be.
The information is all there but the order in which you present your logline could be better. Start with the prophetic pregnancy (inciting incident) and go to the outcome of it and the conflict stuff. By the way, who are these supernatural factions?