Penpusher
Posted: 2015-06-20T11:18:24+10:00 In:

After terrorists import germ warfare samples, a refugee scientist must face the nightmare of retrieving the antidote from Syria before it can be manufactured and released.

The Return

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    9 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Original logline: After terrorists import germ warfare samples, a refugee scientist must face the nightmare of retrieving the antidote from Syria before it can be manufactured and released
      —–
      “Must face the nightmare” is just extra words and doesn’t add to the logline.

      Here’s how the logline looks without it.

      “After terrorists import germ warfare samples, a refugee scientist must retrieve the antidote from Syria before it can be manufactured and released”
      —–
      You should also personalize the stakes for the protagonist:

      “After terrorists steal a weaponized Ebola virus from his lab, a disgraced scientist vows to retrieve the antidote from Syria before it can be manufactured and released”
      —–

      Hope that helps, good luck with this!

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    2. Penpusher

      Thanks for the feedback. An important issue is the scientist’s past – a murdered family in Syria – this is the nightmare he must confront. I’ll keep struggling to fit it into 25 words.

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    3. Singularity

      Thanks, I see that now that I look at the title.

      Here is a try, I don’t think it is quite there but I think it is the right direction.

      After terrorists steal a weaponized Ebola virus, an exiled scientist must return to Syria to retrieve the antidote but if caught by either the terrorist or the government; faces the death penalty.?

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    4. Penpusher

      A common problem with writing loglines is getting hung up on “essential” plot points. It’s great that someone else can see through the deadwood and turn it on its head. So thanks, Richiev and Logline It!, your suggestions provide me with the breakthroughs I need.
      Ebola is a bit of a clich? and I want to include the family connection, but I now see my way there. Something like:
      “After terrorists steal a weaponized virus, an exiled scientist must risk his life and family to return to the Syrian laboratory and retrieve the antidote.”

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    5. Singularity

      For clarity did the terrorists steal the virus from the scientist’s own lab in Syria where he was working on an antidote?

      If so is it correct to assume he left the lab and immigrated as a refugee with his family to another country. Then whilst in the other country he some how learned of the theft from his former lab and felt compelled to return and right the wrong.

      Is this what happens?

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    6. Penpusher

      The elements are: he worked in the lab where the virus was made, so knows where the antidote is; he fled the country, becoming separated from his family; he ended up in Australia, traumatised but grateful; he offers to go back for the antidote, but his real motive is to find his family. (On a contemporary note, he’ll probably have his new citizenship revoked by the Abbott government.)

      But I’m working in the discipline of 25 words, so all this needs to be implied.

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    7. Singularity

      Understood problem is that is not clear from the logline.

      I find the antidote retrieval more interesting than saving his family as the stakes are higher. More so as the antidote is the A plot goal best to describe this in the logline and not his family.

      Secondly I find a scientist taking on a bunch of terrorist on the way to his former lab highly improbably perhaps he has a team of specialists with him to secure the antidote’s return.

      The current draft of the logline states the inciting incident to be the terrorists importing a biological weapon. How is this connected (in the logline) to the MC’s goal of retrieving an antidote from Syria?

      Whilst the reader could draw the conclusion that the MC is a refugee scientist from Syria and also draw the conclusion that he was the one working on the antidote for the virus over there it isn’t a directly clear from the logline and reduces the cause and effect relationship. There appear to be missing words in the logline that explain this.

      Many would agree that the 25 or 30 word limit (depends on who you ask) is not a must and currently the logline presents a fragmented concept as a result of a strict adherence to it.

      No producer I know would count your words during a pitch and stop you after 25 a good idea is a good idea and if your pitching one a good producer would listen. Obviously less is more and the better concepts require less words to pitch in a clear way.

      Needles to say if you are still in the writing process and structuring the plot the word limit is equally un important.

      I would suggest this:
      After terrorists steal a deadly virus from his lab in Syria a refugee scientist living in Australia he must join an SAS team to retrieve the antidote from his former work place.

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    8. Thanks for the lengthy reply. Not quite what I have in mind (certainly not a SAS team), but a good foundation to build on. BTW, “antidote” is not the right word for a virus. Any suggestions? Antitoxin? Neutralising agent?

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    9. Penpusher

      It’s a pretty great idea. I can already feel the tension.

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