Mantis
When a scared young man defies tradition by refusing death from the woman who mated with him he must find a way to escape the cities retribution.
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I’m having trouble understanding this logline. Wouldn’t anyone refusing death (whatever that means) and escaping the city’s retribution be scared. Try to come up with a better adjective to describe him. And your wording ‘woman who mated with him’ sounds a bit clunky to me. Also, ‘city’s retribution’ sounds a bit vague. What is the city’s retribution?
I got it when I read the title.
Hello, is this set in a future or fantasy world? That should be specified at the beginning – something like “In a postatomic tribe where mans are ritually killed by their female mates after a sacred sexual intercurse, a scared man must escape his fate to save his life”. I like this but It should be reworked in a better form.
The premise seams strange not sure what the man is trying to do, stay alive? If so this a generic aspiration that most characters have, how is this different or interesting?
The setup seams convoluted and unclear as this is obviously a made up society in which ritual post coital killing is practiced. But where, when, why? The plausibility of the setup is held in doubt on first read of the logline and indicates a potential fundamental problem with the concept.
Sorry for the lack of positive notes but I figured best to be honest, hope you can appreciate this.
Hope this helps.