Okay Mike you have very invaluable suggestions. Here?s another editing. I removed the spiritual identity part, however, it will still be included in the movie itself because that was one area she was being manipulated by. Also the ?deacon? position is important because it?s about the deception of someone high in the church. While his behavior maybe generally unacceptable, it will be a shock in the eyes of the congregation coming from someone who is supposed to be spiritually matured. I can?t seem to get this around 25 words. Urg? A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marrying a highly respected deacon when he suddenly begins to unleash some familiar abuse upon her. She must now muster up the courage to free herself once and for all.
logline7Penpusher
Okay Mike you have very invaluable suggestions. Here?s another editing. I removed the spiritual identity part, however, it will still be included in the movie itself because that was one area she was being manipulated by. Also the ?deacon? position is important because it?s about the deception of someone high in the church. While his behavior maybe generally unacceptable, it will be a shock in the eyes of the congregation coming from someone who is supposed to be spiritually matured. I can?t seem to get this around 25 words. Urg? A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marrying a highly respected deacon when he suddenly begins to unleash some familiar abuse upon her. She must now muster up the courage to free herself once and for all.
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As for the logline, it’s too long and at the same time describes too little. For example, “…A woman raised in an unscrupulous orphanage hopes of happiness were shattered shortly after marrying a highly respected deacon when he suddenly begins to unleash some familiar abuse upon her…” can be cut down to – After her husband abuses her…
It’s not clear what she does and what she wants to achieve. the second sentence in the logline describes her mustering up courage, but the detail you need to describe is what she’s mustering up courage for? What is she going to do?
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It feels like the story is her mustering up the courage.
Let?s go the direction.
A woman must muster the ?courage to escape her secretly cruel deacon husband to save her children from the same cruelty she suffered in her orphanage.
Now you can add some more.
A woman must muster the courage to escape her secretly cruel deacon husband to save her children from the same cruelty she suffered in her orphanage knowing she will be blamed and ostracised.
Wordy yes. ?But more detail and added some thought processes for her. ?I think you were burying the story and it was focused on the first act.