When the UK’s top entrepreneur kills his whole family then commits suicide, a washed-up cop, grieving widow and new age guru must team up to find out what’s causing this sudden epidemic of high profile bloody events.
NicolaCairnXPenpusher
When the UK’s top entrepreneur kills his whole family then commits suicide, a washed-up cop, grieving widow and new age guru must team up to find out what’s causing this sudden epidemic of high profile bloody events.
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“When her husband uncharacteristically murders their children and commits suicide, a grieving widow strong arms a washed-up detective to get to the bottom of the mysterious murder-suicide in order to clear her husband’s name.”
As Richiev has done, it’s better to suggest a single protagonist. It’s easier for the audience to see the story through an individual’s eyes rather than trying to get them to understand several people’s points of view and emotional involvement.
In your version, there is nothing that suggests that this is a one of many high profile events. You’ve focused on the specifics of this one case so, as Richiev has done, the goal should be something specific to this case – i.e. solving it. If you want it to be about a series of events I would adapt the inciting incident to reflect that – “After another high profile murder/suicide is added to the list” or similar.
I’m assuming that it’s the entrepreneur’s widow? I’d recommend clarifying this as, by saying he kills his whole family, it suggests that she’s dead. See Richiev’s example.
Currently, the new age guru is a bit redundant. I don’t think it’s necessary to include him/her in the logline as there is nothing that tells us why they would be getting involved. This doesn’t mean this character can’t be in the story, they just don’t need to be in the logline.
Hope this helps.
I? also like Richiev’s take because it focuses on a specific protagonist.? The protagonist’s actions are clearly motivated:? it’s personal.? She has? very personal stakes in the case.? Whereas the original version just throws it out there that a trio MUST? investigate the problem.? Well, why MUST they get involved?? Why would? 3 disparate characters team up? over a murder-suicide?? What’s their motivation?? What skin do they have in the game?
And not only is it easier for an audience to get involved in the story through one person ‘s point of view rather than several, as mikepedley85 noted, but it is also often easier to sell the script.