deborah_b

Penpusher · 295 points

5 points to Logliner

2 loglines
24 reviews

A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

March 5, 2020
When a terminal patient becomes immortal, she must uncover the secret that saved her life; but when she discovers she’s the target of a military conspiracy, she fights to protect her unborn child.

August 2, 2019

on “When her husband tragically dies, a depressed young widow honors his last wish to pass along his sacred heirloom to their firstborn son; otherwise, a generation of blessings will turn to generations of curses. But after a ruthless adversary steals the heirloom, ?the widow struggles to retrieve it before an evil curse is brought upon her son.

Hey Melissa! I feel like your logline is basically this: a ruthless adversary steals the heirloom, the widow struggles to retrieve it before an evil curse is brought upon her son. With a bit of tidy-up. Like: When a ruthless…
on After a heated fallout with her former band mate, a determined singer signs a deal with a ruthless CEO unknowingly in the gangster lifestyle, who fills her head with promises and solo stardom, as she forms a greed dictated rivalry with her formal partner that culminates to tragedy.

Cool concept. You've got some nice specifics. Maybe too many. ;) I'd start with your protagonist and give her one goal. I feel like she's got 2 goals here: a) success (I figure it's 'success', since she's determined in some…
on After being hired by the CIA as a mercenary, a man teams up with four other mercenaries to stop drug lords from taking a plane hostage.

I like the idea of outlaws (i.e. mercenaries) having to operate inside the law. And I like the idea of 4 loners coming together to form a team. So I'm on board with the concept. What I'm wondering is: do…
on In a future where the wealthy live above the smog in floating cities, a group of scavengers — led by a buoyant teen — make the seemingly impossible ascent from the barren earth below in search of essential supplies for their people.

I would watch this. :) I'm not sure how much worldbuilding you really need in your logline. How about something like: A rebellious teen leads a group of scavengers on a dangerous hunt for supplies in an elite city floating…
on When the town bully humiliates him, a mild-mannered cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity, only to accidentally kill the man, and set off his violent outlaw family.

Nice concept. I wonder if you can minimise the clauses somehow. The number of commas made the story feel too slow. Something like: When a gentle cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity against a local standover man, he accidentally…
on A military veteran eagerly tries to start the next chapter of his life but runs into Murphy’s Law at pretty much every turn, testing his resiliency.

Your version 2.0 is way clearer and is definitely giving me a better vision of your story. The last clause (about the deceptive roommate) feels like it's a different beat to the rest, somehow. Maybe because a specific antagonist is…
on When dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.

Great concept! I like your second revision. It's not clear to me, though, what the stakes are in that second revision. WHY must she find a way to get rid of her disturbing art creations, and HOW are they tormenting…
on A jealous mediocre court composer blocks the career and plots the death of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Good film! > A jealous mediocre court composer blocks the career and plots the death of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. I would tinker with it this way: A jealous composer plots the death of his rival, the more talented Wolfgang Amadeus…
on A military veteran eagerly tries to start the next chapter of his life but runs into Murphy’s Law at pretty much every turn, testing his resiliency.

I would start by working out specifically what the next chapter of his life is. For example, if he's restoring his grandfather's house or counselling troubled teens or reconciling with his daughter, or picking up where he left off in…
on A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

Thanks again for the insightful comments, team. I am enjoying this logline pinball and will continue to think the concept through ...!

A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.

When a terminal patient becomes immortal, she must uncover the secret that saved her life; but when she discovers she’s the target of a military conspiracy, she fights to protect her unborn child.