harry

Penpusher · 230 points

70 points to Logliner

4 loglines
14 reviews

Facing hard time for an unpaid debt, an unorthodox street busker races to find the most spectacular way to bring his piano music to the attention of Europe’s most famous manager before it’s too late — inspired by a true event.

March 25, 2020
When a city council decides to impound all stray animals, a selfish ex-house cat seeks refuge with a family of street cats, but to earn his place, he must learn to put others first and outsmart the Feline Mafia henchman that stands between the street cats and the new home that will save them all.

March 21, 2019
When a deceitful cult leader’s doomsday prophecy comes true, his followers refuse to believe he’s not a prophet, despite his panicked confession, forcing him to take responsibility and find refuge for them all before the asteroid strikes.

February 20, 2019
As a giant asteroid hurtles toward Earth, an embittered doomsday prepper must choose whether to open up his shelter to his runaway ex-wife and her crazy cult friends or risk spending eternity alone.

March 30, 2018

on An ethics prof and family man must prove his rehabilitation to a court-appointed psychiatrist when found not guilty of rape by reason of insanity and committed to a mental asylum.

I see issues at both the logline and concept level here. 1. The logline is wordy. I had to read it a couple of times to grasp the concept entirely. 2. The description of the characters and the conflict it…
on A sexually awkward high school student begins giving out sex therapy at his school to help him get his dream girl

What sticks out for me is a credibility issue - why would anyone trust a 'sexually awkward teenager' to give them sex therapy? In terms of it being a means to his goal, it's also super creepy. Is that your…
on An unsuccessful & frustrated young screenwriter search for ghosts to get inspired for writing horror screenplay as a final attempt

There is something interesting about your premise, but be warned - there are very few films about screenwriters that ever get made. Why? Probably because very few people can identify with the struggles of a screenwriter. Most people hardly even…
on A desolate fugitive is forced out of hiding when his vengeful ex-partner in crime kidnaps his son.

'Desolate', as an adjective applied to a person means they are 'wretched or greatly unhappy'. Why is the hero so unhappy before his son is kidnapped? Considering he is in hiding, did you mean 'reclusive'? In general, the story you…
on When a city council decides to impound all stray animals, a selfish ex-house cat seeks refuge with a family of street cats, but to earn his place, he must learn to put others first and outsmart the Feline Mafia henchman that stands between the street cats and the new home that will save them all.

Thanks for your feedback guys. Here's another stab at it: When a city declares stray animals illegal a newly-homeless house cat must help a family of street cats outsmart the mafia henchman that stands between them and the safety of…
on When a city council decides to impound all stray animals, a selfish ex-house cat seeks refuge with a family of street cats, but to earn his place, he must learn to put others first and outsmart the Feline Mafia henchman that stands between the street cats and the new home that will save them all.

I know it's too long. If you have suggestions for how to trim it down I'd sure appreciate it. Cheers!
on After her village is massacred, a woman travels to a remote temple to train so she can destroy her enemies and avenge her people.

You've actually got three goals for your hero - to travel, to train, and to avenge. You can have all of those in your story but your logline needs to focus on the primary goal. And, as others have said,…
on After he’s fired for accidentally killing a noble hero, and thus taking away honor from his evil warlord boss, a disgraced henchman is forced to become the champion of a local village in order to overthrow the tyranny of his former master.?

Some interesting elements, but it does make me scratch my head. You've unintentionally, I think, made the bad guy the good guy, and the good guy the bad guy. The ?evil warlord? fired his henchman on justifiable grounds, making him…
on New to a civilian world, an ex soldier freshly divorced from an abusive marriage, is forced to live with his PTSD twin sister while trying to build a business to pay the bills.

The PTSD sister is a complication, not an antagonist unless she is actively trying to stop him from achieving a goal. As Richiev suggests, helping her seems to be the goal, but I feel like there's a twist missing from…
on “A lightning strike changes the half breed twins path as they search for the truth behind their father’s death. While a vengeful Uncle strives to strip their shaman grandfather of all that he holds dear.”

I agree with Richiev. I would also suggest not using vague language like "changes the half breed twins path" 1. the logline doesn't suggest to the reader that being a "half breed" is important to the story. The logline needs…

Penpusher