Jennifer Feuerbach

Penpusher · 130 points

170 points to Logliner

2 loglines
8 reviews

House of Duncan, take 2

April 12, 2012
House of Duncan, action/thriller

April 11, 2012

on A secret government test places 3 children that have been raised with no human contact on a deserted island to see how they develop.

What were they raised by? It's cool but presently too vague.
on A bullied, outcast teen exacts revenge at a Halloween Haunted Prison by commanding the evil spirits of the violent inmates that died in a riot there fifteen years earlier, only to discover that his lifelong nemesis is really his illegitimate brother.

Alright, I can't get the story out of my head. Steve, are you on linked? I swear I won't steal your material.
on “Three immoral characters enter a playwright contest. The trio decide an emotional story would deliver them a sympathetic win. And what is more emotional than the Holocaust?”

I don't want to rain on your parade too much. There's a lot of good stuff that could go into this script. This is a VERY risky thing to do. There is a saying that "There's no business like Holocaust…
on House of Duncan, take 2

You are hitting the nail directly on the head. My problem is that my personal description of my hero Brian, a Scottish accountant, is pulling up all of the wrong pictures in people's heads. High-level accountant's aren't meek, their careers…
on After brutal injuries from a notorious torturer leave a man with no memory, his only hope of regaining his identity is to help the FBI hunt his captor’s, before they can finish the job.

You don't need an apostrophe. I don't see how he could be of any help to the FBI without his memories. Do they come back? Are they maybe fragmented? It's interesting but it needs a tad bit more focus.
on A fake psychic is haunted by real spirits as they force him to right his wrongs and just annoy the hell out of him.

I agree, it's great until you get to annoy. Do people think he's losing his mind? Are they tourturous ghosts? A hint about the motivation of the ghosts might help.
on House of Duncan, action/thriller

No, the Scottish accountant is the hero. The Brazillian turns into a stalker, and all the other characters are trying to save the girl and themsevles. Sounds like I need to clarify. Is there a way to say "experienced stalker"?
on An ex-con stunt driver is retained by the FBI to drive a witness- the Godfather’s mother- cross country, dodging bullets, corrupt cops, and one very scorned lover.

I just love it. How is he retained? Blackmailed? Coerced? Tricked? Promised a clean record? Anyway it sounds like a really cool script.

House of Duncan, take 2

House of Duncan, action/thriller