Joel Goodman

Penpusher · 145 points

155 points to Logliner

2 loglines
15 reviews

“An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century’s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family”

April 4, 2015
A naive young wordsmith from a country village must face down the dark and callous aspects of humanity to rescue his childhood friend, kidnapped years earlier, and bring down the criminal organisation which has subjugated her

March 25, 2015

on “An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century’s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family”

The 'hint' of a twist is why I used 'Royal family' as opposed to revealing the actual twist. I will think about your suggestion anyway. I think I am coming rather close to my logline. and I've already written a…
on “An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century’s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family”

Hi DPG, You may be onto something here. Maybe she choses to stay behind after his first rescue attempt, in order to provide support from within the organisation. That way, her true rescue doesn't occur until the end, and thus…
on “An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century’s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family”

Nir, The reason I'm using 'gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world', is he is literally a 'gentleman', relatively well off, generally educated but without a specific focused vocation. A bit of a poet, a bit of…
on “An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century’s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family”

Thanks guys. (I like callow, DPG!) Let me elucidate on my plot, as I'm not sure your suggestions (or mine) quite cover it. I'm reticent to use the name "Victoria" in the logline, as there is a bit of a…
on When a crate of unknown origin is taken and murder surrounds the mystery, down and out Private Investigator, Connor Collins, must figure out how to stop the ancient Egyptian magic causing havoc before all is lost.

Try swapping 'crate' for 'artefact of malevolent elemental power', swap 'taken' for 'stolen'; Remove the cerebral 'figure out', and just make it 'he must stop the ancient Egyptian sorcery from..." (I think it's better to have someone just DO something…
on Me, Myself & Irene meets Death Defying Acts – “When two young illusionists with multiple personality disorder start dating, they must figure out “who” will date ‘whom’; so their love lives will not self-destruct.”

and also... if the second character is a con-artist (as the twist), then they are not primary protagonist, and you should consider re-working your Logline to focus around the single primary protagonist. Just spitballing here but: "When a young illusionist,…
on Me, Myself & Irene meets Death Defying Acts – “When two young illusionists with multiple personality disorder start dating, they must figure out “who” will date ‘whom’; so their love lives will not self-destruct.”

Not necessarily two themes, but two devices. Two things, each of which require us to suspend our disbelief and just 'accept'. So one of them has a strange multiple-personality-disorder which they have the ability to consciously control. (Ok, I can…
on When a government agent is sent to work on a new naval submarine, she discoveres that her ex-husband is out to kill her.

It may also be backwards in its wording. This logline suggests that he was trying to kill her first, and she discovers this fact because she goes to work on the submarine.
on Me, Myself & Irene meets Death Defying Acts – “When two young illusionists with multiple personality disorder start dating, they must figure out “who” will date ‘whom’; so their love lives will not self-destruct.”

I agree with Richiev. It sounds like it may be quite 'convoluted', that two Illusionists, both with the same unusually (unrealistic) mental condition, which they can consciously control, happen to be working together and attracted to each other in this…
on A hedonistic, white american jock at a small Florida college accidentally falls in love with the guarded, over-studious black Bahamian girl in his English class after he and his clique are forced to lodge with her and her family during their spring break trip to The Bahamas.

I'm guessing you're alluding to the fact that he (and his clique) are racially prejudiced, which, if stated would certainly add to the irony of his predicament. Why / how is he 'forced' to stay with her family? Is it…

A naive young wordsmith from a country village must face down the dark and callous aspects of humanity to rescue his childhood friend, kidnapped years earlier, and bring down the criminal organisation which has subjugated her