JohnAlen2025

Penpusher · 155 points

145 points to Logliner

1 logline
11 reviews

As a compulsive gambler watches a game that could erase his huge debt to a dangerous bookie, he thinks about how he got to this point and everything he has at stake.

October 9, 2021

on As a compulsive gambler watches a game that could erase his huge debt to a dangerous bookie, he thinks about how he got to this point and everything he has at stake.

Yes that is helpful. Thanks!
on When a group of urban explorers breaks into an abandoned quarantine station, their morbid curiosity turns into a night of survival against supernatural forces.

I like it. The premise sounds promising. I would try to be more specific about how their lives are being threatened and what kind of supernatural forces they're dealing with.
on A young extraordinary adventurer lead his friends on misadventures and learn life lessons along the way.

Right now it's far too general.It sounds potentially interesting, but I'm left wanting to know what kind of adventurer he is, what kind of misadventures the friends go on, and what kind of life lessons they learn.
on A group of car salesmen murder a friend so they go can retrieve a stolen retro car.

It's unclear how the murder of the friend has any connection to the stolen retro car.
on When his sister is taken, a rule-loving fiddler crab breaks out of his shell and dives claw first into a global climate crisis to save her.

A like the idea of an animated family adventure involving a timely issue like the global climate crisis so you've got a great hook. I think a bit more detail could strengthen the logline. I'd clarify how or by who…
on As a compulsive gambler watches a game that could erase his huge debt to a dangerous bookie, he thinks about how he got to this point and everything he has at stake.

Thanks for the feedback, Philippe.The thinking back I refer to is the protagonist's backstory told through flashback as the game unfolds, not just him sitting there as he thinks. Perhaps that's not coming through in the current logline and I…
on A veteran female rock musician shows the ropes of four other young women about the music industry.

Sounds like a setup without any conflict.
on A high school student decides to swap bodies with a teacher who is a superhero wearing a bunny costume.

There are many questions. How does one swap bodies in the world of this story? And why is the student's teacher a superhero wearing a bunny costume?
on After The murder of there friend, a group of inner-city teens vows revenge by killing every cop in California.

Killing every cop in California would be a major undertaking. My first thought is that a group of inner-city teens could never pull it off no matter how badly they want revenge. The premise as it's presented here is therefore…
on Two British academicians, a Christian girl and a Muslim Pakistani man fall in love with each other and decide to live together but an appalling incident changes their lives forever.

The logline doesn't make clear how and/or why their difference in religion is an issue or if it even is an issue. And an "appalling incident" is a very broad term that could be just about anything. Is the appalling…

Penpusher

As a compulsive gambler watches a game that could erase his huge debt to a dangerous bookie, he thinks about how he got to this point and everything he has at stake.