fejumas

Logliner · 485 points

45 points to Samurai

4 loglines
32 reviews

A grieving couple’s predictable world gets upended when a mysterious child, who looks just like the nine-year old son they lost 7 years before, shows up on their doorstep. Looking to spice up this logline, appreciate any and all feedback.

September 27, 2012
Dumped by her wealthy boyfriend, a selfish gold-digger retreats to her hometown and sets her sights on a local bachelor…who happens to be rich…and engaged to be married.

July 25, 2012
When a prototype super-soldier goes rogue, he struggles to make his way home before the U.S. Army closes in and reclaims its property.

May 30, 2012
An awkward 16-year old, who discovers that she has developed super-strength, must harness and control her new power while evading a covert agency eager to exploit her.

April 24, 2012

on After spending one boy’s student loans to get to a cross-country video game tournament, a ragtag group of teammates must win to get any chance of getting home.

I think you have a misplaced adjective - the tournament is a cross-country video game? How does one steal someone else's student loans? When I received a student loan, it went straight to the school or came in a form…
on A brilliant, genetically engineered con-artist has three days to find the scientist who programmed her to die on her twenty first birthday.

Ooops, sorry about the double post. Not sure how that happened...
on A brilliant, genetically engineered con-artist has three days to find the scientist who programmed her to die on her twenty first birthday.

I'm stumbling on how the brilliant? and genetically engineered? and con-artist? are connected. Sounds a bit too much cramming into the logline. Perhaps concentrate on one major trait. Or highlight why being a con-artist is tied into the goals/stakes. Also,…
on A doctor is forced to relive his traumatic childhood in order to solve the mystery that may save his daughter’s life.

This is too vague and there's a disconnect with the two halves of the logline. How does reliving his traumatic childhood save his daughter's life? I think you have to hint at why his daughter's life is in danger.
on It’s 2087 and for the past fifteen years, the government has implanted everyone with chips that record the last ten minutes of memory. In murder cases, the chips are used by Recall Judge’s to find the killer and now, a rookie has his first case which may involve his boss, the Head Recall judge.

Okay, I'm intrigued but your logline's too wordy. I also feel it has a lapse in logic. So, the memory chips record the last ten minutes of a person's memory before his death? How does that help the cops find…
on There is a company that can reset your life. If you don’t feel like you have succeed in life you can just reset your life.

What Willie says. I have no idea what your story is about, other than there's a company which can "reset" lives, whatever that means. You're also missing the genre - is this a comedy, drama, romance, action, thriller? You need…
on A grieving couple’s predictable world gets upended when a mysterious child, who looks just like the nine-year old son they lost 7 years before, shows up on their doorstep. Looking to spice up this logline, appreciate any and all feedback.

Hey Geno, This is my little vampire drama - you read an early draft this spring. Changed the title (originally Bare Bones) and have another rewrite pending before I seriously consider querying it, hence the logline polish. From what you…
on A grieving couple’s predictable world gets upended when a mysterious child, who looks just like the nine-year old son they lost 7 years before, shows up on their doorstep. Looking to spice up this logline, appreciate any and all feedback.

Okay, accidentally appended this part "Looking to spice up this logline, appreciate any and all feedback" to the logline, can't edit so please ignore!!
on President Hauter has to choose — use illegal methods to ensure continued peace and stability in her region, or stand by and allow women and infants’ lives be endangered. After the Zero Birth Years, scientists designed artificial wombs and solved the crisis of global infertility. Now a company has developed hormonal treatments that have jolted five women into fertility and potential motherhood. And they’re running a competition to see if one of them can survive pregnancy and childbirth.

Children of Men meets Hunger Games? There's an interesting dystopian vibe about your logline but honestly, the first part of your logline feels disconnected to the second part. How they relate to each other feels muddled ? the human race…
on When an undertaker’s lover dies, he decides to end his own existence, but makes the surprising discovery that he is apparently immortal.

This is a good setup for the premise but tells us nothing about your story. In fact, the undertaker finding out he's immortal when he tries to take his own life can be considered the inciting incident and that's only…