NewGrimmCity

Penpusher · 250 points

50 points to Logliner

2 loglines
20 reviews

A young woman struggles to survive when a creature from Guaraní legend is unleashed on a rural Louisiana town.

April 30, 2015
When a bumbling businessman’s necktie is used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, he must retrieve his tie before he is implicated in the murder. Unfortunately, both the body and the necktie are missing.

October 17, 2013

on A young woman struggles to survive when a creature from Guaraní legend is unleashed on a rural Louisiana town.

This screenplay has been written. In my opinion, an effective logline should convey the central premise, and give the reader an impression of the primary protagonist. Anyone can fight to destroy a monstrous creature, but if the protagonist is an…
on A young woman struggles to survive when a creature from Guaraní legend is unleashed on a rural Louisiana town.

Also, a pared down version: A fiery young novelist visits a secluded Louisiana town and ends up fighting for her life when a monstrous creature is unleashed by the paramilitary group charged with studying it.
on A young woman struggles to survive when a creature from Guaraní legend is unleashed on a rural Louisiana town.

A fiery young novelist visits a secluded Louisiana town and ends up fighting for her life when a monstrous creature out of South American folklore is unleashed by the paramilitary group charged with studying it.
on A young woman struggles to survive when a creature from Guaraní legend is unleashed on a rural Louisiana town.

I'm still working on it, but here is where I am with it right now. When a fiery young novelist visits a rural Louisiana town, she quickly finds herself fighting for survival when a monster, straight out of South American…
on After training as a knight, a young man embarks on a quest to rescue his family from an invading army. However, when his kingdom is on the brink of collapse, he must choose between his own personal goals and those of his new Order’s.

I would recommend trying to pare this down to a single sentence. It looks like there is plenty to trim. Also, you might try punching it up with a few specifics.
on When a bumbling businessman’s necktie is used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, he must retrieve his tie before he is implicated in the murder. Unfortunately, both the body and the necktie are missing.

Blundering, awkward, and clumsy are all adjectives that describe the protagonist. What is it about the loglime that makes you think that bumbling isn't appropriate? Is it that I'm not dealing with him changing from bumbling to something else, or…
on When a bumbling businessman’s necktie is used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, he must retrieve his tie before he is implicated in the murder. Unfortunately, both the body and the necktie are missing.

Thank you, that helps. To answer your question, he is there at the time of the murder and when the body goes missing, though he doesn't see the murder happen, nor does he see what happens to the body. He…
on A troubled young woman from a dysfunctional family drags her father into a world of incest and revenge after the murder of her mother and brother.

I think the second one you just gave is a lot clearer.
on When a Classic Rock radio station sets up in a Texas Bible Belt army town as VetNam protests escalate, a bumbling, nerdy teen is given a life-changing opportunity to become a radio host, not knowing the Manson Family has targeted the station for violence

Honestly, it's just a bit wordy. Try to get to the crux of the story and do it concisely.
on A young Russian inventor can not find application for his “truth generator” however, despite the objection of the FSB (modern KGB), a rich buyer appears.

I wonder what you mean by "can't find an application." Also, what do you mean by "objection of the FSB?" This is a good place to raise the stakes. You might consider saying "Russian secret police" instead of FSB. You…

A young woman struggles to survive when a creature from Guaraní legend is unleashed on a rural Louisiana town.

When a bumbling businessman’s necktie is used to strangle the hostess of a lavish party, he must retrieve his tie before he is implicated in the murder. Unfortunately, both the body and the necktie are missing.