Nina

Penpusher · 280 points

20 points to Logliner

2 loglines
16 reviews

When a celebrated FBI profiler realises that the son she once gave up is a serial killer, she risks her life and reputation to trap him. (FOR MEETUP REVIEW)

January 21, 2015
When a self-serving criminal sees his war-hero father brutally arrested by a security Czar, the son fights to liberate his father and overthrow a tyrannical government.

July 7, 2013

on After an attempt on his father’s life, a by-the-book Marine captain must kill his father’s rivals and become head of his own crime family to protect those he loves.

I'm head-slapping myself here! I just realised these are 'Examples'. I kept? wondering why you were all talking about The Godfather and not the writer's logline. The terrain? has changed since I last visited these shores. As you were soldiers...
on After an attempt on his father’s life, a by-the-book Marine captain must kill his father’s rivals and become head of his own crime family to protect those he loves.

Reading through all the comments I have a question. Because this story mirrors The Godfather in so many ways, as noted by the comments,? have you thought about flipping the plot? in such a way that it elevates the story…
on When her reclusive father dies without a will, his washed-up rodeo queen daughter must gather her estranged siblings in order to settle his estate.

Why is gathering her estranged siblings together so important? A simple idea must still be intriguing. Perhaps your plot can takes an unexpected? left turn that we are not expecting? If so, add this to your logline. Thank you for…
on When a deadly contagion is unleashed, a DC insider tries to maintain his humanity while dealing with worldwide chaos and wrestling with the dilemma: How far will you go to survive when everything you love is gone?

I can see where you are going with this but it needs to be more specific. I am assuming your DC insider is one of those slick lobbyist whose allegiance is to whoever pays them? Herein lies his flaw. State…
on When parts of his life, including memories of his late family, are erased, a black market memories dealer must retrieve his life backup file to restore his past.

I think the crux of this is the why. Why does he need to restore his past? What happens if he doesn't? This will give us the stakes which must be high.
on Losing hope she’ll be rescued, a brutally assaulted young woman despairs over “what ifs” and seeks peace for all that will never be in the moments before her death.

There are similarities to the movie Fruitvale Station in your logline, and is a must see as it to begins with the death of the protagonist. My suggestion is to focus on a particular regret or misdeed in her life…
on When a zombie virus infects a small Southern town, a pregnant teen must fight the undead while hiding her condition from her conservative family.

Your logline implies two goals: fighting the undead and? keeping her pregnancy a secret which seems irrelevant in the face of town marauding zombies. Perhaps you can re-work it to show that keeping this secret is the teen's internal character…
on After a deadly contagion takes his wife & daughter, a special forces operative must infiltrate the very military base he was once stationed to find the cure & exact his revenge.

You should only have one inciting incident which kicks off the story. Witnessing the experiments which cause him to abandon his career seems to be the backstory. Your second attempt is much better but it describe his goal. There must…
on “When her drink is spiked at a party a virgin finds herself pregnant and a seminary student is the father. Together they must go through hell to find a piece of heaven.”

This logline suggest a one plot beat.? What about the plot leading to an end? Using dpg's elements, revise your current logline and post again.
on Wanting to be independent of her abusive alcoholic father a teen takes driving lessons with her pensioner neighbour discovery the father figure she needs and caring really means.

The goal should be extremely hard to accomplish - everything rests on the goal which is the outer journey - without it there is no story. The audience should be clear what this goal is and know exactly the moment…

When a celebrated FBI profiler realises that the son she once gave up is a serial killer, she risks her life and reputation to trap him. (FOR MEETUP REVIEW)

When a self-serving criminal sees his war-hero father brutally arrested by a security Czar, the son fights to liberate his father and overthrow a tyrannical government.