pressedham_d

Penpusher · 175 points

125 points to Logliner

2 loglines
13 reviews

All hell breaks loose when an impertinent alchemist’s experiment accidentally opens the gates to hell, and she stands face-to-face with Satan.

June 3, 2015
Extraterrestrial monsters destroy humanity, save for an obstinate survivalist who vows revenge.

May 24, 2015

on When a schizophrenic man is released from a futuristic mental institution, specializing in curing your inner “demons”, learns that he is being hunted by an assassin, he must rely on his fragmented memories to survive.

Very good points by FFF. If your protagonist is investigating this organization because of the untimely deaths (that is, the deaths are the inciting incident) then you should reword your logline to make that clear. If not, like FFF said,…
on After a mysterious new classmate places a curse on them, two teenage boys are forced to take action and unlock insidious secrets about their quaint Southern town and master their newly found gifts.

Why must they master these gifts? And if they've received gifts, where does the curse come in?
on All hell breaks loose when an impertinent alchemist’s experiment accidentally opens the gates to hell, and she stands face-to-face with Satan.

"When an impertinent alchemist enters hell in search of an elixir of life, can she find her way back out before Satan discovers her there?" How about this?
on All hell breaks loose when an impertinent alchemist’s experiment accidentally opens the gates to hell, and she stands face-to-face with Satan.

It's interesting that you asked whether the motivation could be to save someone - in fact, in earlier versions of this logline that was explicitly stated as the character's motivation. I will try a rewrite that more closely matches Richiev's…
on After discovering that his father is still alive a prodigious investment banker abandons his Wall Street job to find his dad, and does, at a monk monastery in Tibet where speaking is forbidden.

Interesting, sounds like the sort of drama The Academy loves. You don't need to specify that it's a "monk" monastery - the fact that it is a place for monks is inherent in the word "monastery".
on When the military quarantines a zombie infested Seattle, a ruthless Vampire and his crew must team with a ragtag band of humans to secure the old church they are trapped in or be overrun.

This definitely would be the sort of movie I'd watch. Could you trim out "and his crew", or are they important characters? Something like "... to secure an old church or be overrun." might be a way to shorten the…
on Extraterrestrial monsters destroy humanity, save for an obstinate survivalist who vows revenge.

Thanks Nir, I appreciate the advice you've given regarding character goals. I've made a revision, can you tell me if you think it makes for a clearer plot? Does this still need more detail? "During an alien invasion a fainthearted…
on After an undercover hammerhead shark agent and his white shark crime boss bump their heads against a Japanese wale ship, the hammerhead thinks he’s a dolphin and starts giving dolphin therapy to his traumatised boss, who — after witnessing the whale slaughter — doesn’t want to kill big fish anymore.

What's the main conflict in the film? I'm guessing it's a cops versus criminals thing, but that doesn't really come through in the logline, you just state that they're an undercover and a crime boss without relating about that story…
on After an undercover hammerhead shark agent and his white shark crime boss bump their heads against a Japanese wale ship, the hammerhead thinks he’s a dolphin and starts giving dolphin therapy to his traumatised boss, who — after witnessing the whale slaughter — doesn’t want to kill big fish anymore.

"Analyze Fish" is an amazing title.
on A young street level dealer must navigate the mine field of gang culture to get out before the gang implodes in a bloody internal war.

I think this concept is pretty good - it seems like a unique take on the gang story to have someone try to navigate gang politics to get out without giving the other members cause for offense or concern.