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“When a rookie undercover officer mistakenly finds himself admitted to a college that trains criminals, he will have to play a balancing act in order to please his superiors and prove he’s one of the guys.”
When a rookie police officer finds himself admitted to a college that trains criminals, he will have to play a balancing act in order to both hide his situation from his superiors and prove he is one of the guys.?…
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“When an upper-class rebel is suddenly disinherited by his fed-up father, he struggles to win his father’s approval in order to have his inheritance restored, but his plans derail when he is forcibly drafted to fight in the second US civil war.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REWRITE: "When a well off trouble-making teenager is disinherited by his father in order to teach him a lesson he struggles and fails to win back his father's approval, but he gains the ultimate chance to prove his worth…
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“When an upper-class rebel is suddenly disinherited by his fed-up father, he struggles to win his father’s approval in order to have his inheritance restored, but his plans derail when he is forcibly drafted to fight in the second US civil war.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REWRITE: Thank you everyone for your comments. How's this: "When a rebelling, upper-class, teenager is disinherited by his father, he struggles to win his father's approval, but his priorities change when he is drafted into a war that will…
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“As a wealthy upper-class young man enters adulthood during the second US civil war, he is suddenly disowned and ousted from his family estate, causing him to experience the life of the impoverished in a military-industrial society, eventually joining the ranks on the front line to prove to his father he deserves his inheritance.”
Thanks for the feedback, I have a new logline up!
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“When an inexperienced journalist gets assigned to a military unit fighting in the second US civil war, he will have to fill the unlikely role of diplomat in order to prevent the war from reaching his home town.”
That's a good point. I think I was trying to give a sense of how uncorrupted the journalist is by his company and society in general. He has always had to fend off the aggressive propaganda of this future society…
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“When an inexperienced journalist gets assigned to a military unit fighting in the second US civil war, he will have to fill the unlikely role of diplomat in order to prevent the war from reaching his home town.”
I see what you mean dpg, I guess I can hope that when they linger on this logline due to thinking about the 2nd civil war it'll get people hooked and thinking about the entire logline more instead of just…
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“When an inexperienced journalist gets assigned to a military unit fighting in the second US civil war, he will have to fill the unlikely role of diplomat in order to prevent the war from reaching his home town.”
Yeah, I wasn't sure how much back story to put in the logline because I tried to keep it short and interesting. I'm thinking the war could possibly have been caused by a federal military strike on numerous cities in…
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“When an inexperienced journalist gets assigned to a military unit fighting in the second US civil war, he will have to fill the unlikely role of diplomat in order to prevent the war from reaching his home town.”
To Chorley and dpg, The second US civil war has been waged for many years at this point, so I think everyone would be pretty used to it as it's a common part of everyday life. The two sides in…
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“In the future, when only pockets of civilization have survived a worldwide famine, one young nomad will have to overcome prejudices and allegiances if he is to learn the four lessons that his dead guardian tasked him with pursuing as his dying wish.”
Thanks for the advice dpg. I was having trouble with the motivation and the driving force behind the story. How about this: "In the future, after only pockets of civilization have survived a worldwide famine, a young nomad will have…
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“In the future, when only pockets of civilization have survived a worldwide famine, one young nomad will have to overcome prejudices and allegiances if he is to learn the four lessons that his dead guardian tasked him with pursuing as his dying wish.”
Some background info: After the worldwide famine, 3 different lifestyles had evolved: Producers, who live in fortified locations growing food. They are defensive. Rogues, who live by attacking and raiding the producers. They are aggressive. And Nomads, who travel from…
