sharkeatingman

Mentor · 3,435 points

6,565 points to Overlord

9 loglines
229 reviews

“Two uninspired and perpetually high film students document the final days of an emotionally destroyed detective, believing his demise will give their career the kick-start it needs.”

July 24, 2012
“Appalachian inbreeds homestead a beautiful- but occupied- house in Beverly Hills, terrorizing and slaughtering the family, until one of the children escapes, turning the tables on the killers.”

July 24, 2012
“A disgraced father takes the helm of a dysfunctional baseball team controlled by overbearing parents and attempts to lead them against the cross-town rivals in the city championship.”

June 8, 2012
A paranormal investigator, injured and trapped in a bed, can only survive with help from an unscrupulous arsonist, a flesh-eating hound or the unwelcomed spirits he’s been hired to chase!

April 30, 2012
While investigating a backload of unsolved murders, a dispirited detective learns that the local P.T.A. is more involved in “community service” than originally thought.

April 12, 2012
A widowed farmer plows over his internationally famous strawberry farm to resurrect a monument to his late wife, then battles his neighbors, the Sheriff and the government to keep it.

April 12, 2012
When left for dead by his former gang, a reformed outlaw seeks to avenge the murder of his family after an Indian mystic “gifts” him eternal life.

April 11, 2012
Nursing home residents’ band together to battle a corrupt administrator, local thugs and greedy heirs in their efforts to retain their home, regain their youth, and reclaim the shuffleboard championship.

April 11, 2012
An ex-con stunt driver is retained by the FBI to drive a witness- the Godfather’s mother- cross country, dodging bullets, corrupt cops, and one very scorned lover.

April 10, 2012

on While fighting with a group of survivors against deadly man-eating monsters inside the underground laboratory, Rita is trying to find her missing brother. Version 2

No need for "young", IMO. Not crazy about "traumatized" either. If she's the protag, that quality trait will eventually wear off, and frankly anyone in that situation would be traumatized, so it doesn't really separate them from anyone else. "Somehow…
on As a naive teen prepares her wedding, she learns about a curse placed upon her village, and must now confront a witch to stop the locals from cannibalism! Version 2

It IS much better, but it still seems a bit random, so I'm not sure if it's the logline or the concept itself (only you know for sure, since you know the story). This is why loglines are so important…
on While fighting with a group of survivors against deadly man-eating monsters inside the underground laboratory, Rita is trying to find her missing brother. Version 2

"...is trying" is passive. You want to write in the assertive voice "tries", but even then, someone 'trying" is not active. Trying to find someone missing can be shortened to "searches". "When trapped in an underground lab, a (description) (protag)…
on Naive teenage girl was preparing for her wedding in medieval village until it was spoiled by an evil witch’s curse. To prevent villagers from eating each other (literally) she must confront the witch and learn the truth about the village past.

Richiev is right; the first sentence is extraneous. Start with "when", "as", "before", or "after". "As a naive teen prepares her wedding, she learns more about village tradition, and must now confront a witch to prevent the locals from feeding…
on When Ex-SEAL Trent is drafted by a mysterious women to participate in a 2 day battle to the death against a team of Spetsnaz he must win if he is ever to return to his wife.

Good start using "When"; No need for protag name unless famous; "drafted by a mysterious woman" doesn't show much enough conflict. Try explaining up front about the reason why he has to fight (it invilves seeing his wife again, but…
on A novice hit woman accidentally kills her first employer and now must take out an avenging mob when they threaten to kill her family and relatives.

Change it back- immediately! I can't sit idly by and watch someone destroy what was once close to perfect (in my opinion, of course). If this great concept is ignored because of a bad logline, I'll shoot you myself! ;)
on A novice hit woman accidentally kills her first employer and now must take out an avenging mob when they threaten to kill her family and relatives.

My first reaction was "Brilliant- both concept and logline!" Can it be improved upon? Perhaps (I would change "take out" to "take on"), but I don't think it could be improved overall enough to even touch it (with the possible…
on Alice Archibald, a former Cambridge Professor, takes on her new job as a high school English teacher, must put up with with arrogant co-workers and idiotic students, as she tries to forget her recently failed marriage without going nuts.

So, basically, the premise is about a teacher dealing with frustrating people all day? Is that really a story you want to dedicate a year's worth of your life writing? As a logline, you wouldn't mention the protag by name…
on When Alice finally realizes her students are all idiots and her co-workers are losers, she decidest to get together with Amanda and Megan for some after school drinks.

...and they all lived happily ever after. The End
on Cadence, a twenty-something deadbeat, devises a scheme to steal doughnuts from a local bakery, to regain her ex-boyfriend’s affection.

No need to mention protag's name, unless famous (nice name...probably goose-steps when she walks, though...) You have to explain why stealing doughnuts will regain his affection; is it just because he likes doughnuts? It's cute, but I can't see it…