steveylang

Wordsmith · 950 points

1,550 points to Mentor

3 loglines
47 reviews

Tortured by past mistakes and betrayals, an ex-con sets out to avenge the death of his best friend, but struggles to complete his mission when he discovers a boy that may be his son.

September 28, 2015
A lifelong wimp must learn to finally stand up for himself when his son is bullied by a mean boy with an even meaner dad.

September 28, 2015
A desperate CEO’s legally ambiguous plans to save his company are undermined when he is blackmailed by a mysterious ex-employee.

September 25, 2015

on Stranded in enemy space, when a tyrannical federation’s mothership seizes his father’s company car, a fickle teen must retrieve it and return home on Earth before his father starts his new job.

I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different- I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane…
on When an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions suddenly stop, a retired physicist must find a way to bring them back.

Besides what Nir said, you've only described the first 15-20 pages.
on EDITED: A bored flight attendant’s life is turned upside down when she is mistaken for the accomplice of one of her passengers, a charming thief on the run from the mob

When a naive flight attendant gets mixed up with one of her passengers, a charming grifter on the run from the mob, she... I like the set up, but we are only getting the set up. Finish the logline and…
on EDITED: When a government experiment goes awry, a docile housewife teams up with an ambitious genetic engineer to defend New York City from the man-eating children created from her eggs

This is actually kind of awesome.! I have no idea how 'marketable' this is as a movie, but probably has at least some potential as a horror/action type of movie. I hope the script you have in mind goes over…
on EDITED: Desperate to save their TV show from cancellation, two feuding co-stars, an aging actress and a troubled younger actor, enter a fabricated public romance to boost ratings

DylanK nailed the feedback- you have a great premise, but a logline must set up the premise and also describe the main plot line or conflict.?So you've basically described the first 25 pages or so, what happens in the next…
on A distrusting psychic interrogator, who steals information by entering a suspect’s mind, becomes infected by a recent suspect’s consciousness and must team up with his inner demons to stop his mind being taking over .

This one is really interesting! Your logline gives an idea of what the psychic must do ("team up with inner demons"), but could be a bit more specific. A simple re-word gives this- A distrusting psychic interrogator that?steals information directly…
on After being taken by a sadistic boy, a toy sheriff with an annoying space toy must find a way back to the real owner.

You get bonus points here for efficiency! The funny thing about TOY STORY is trying to connote in a smooth way that the leads are action figure type toys.?I think 'space toy' comes off a bit weird, it could be…
on To pay off damage done at a party, a 20 year old slacker high school burnout has to share a paper route with his 12 year old overachieving neighbor.

You have the beginnings of a rom-com premise- the 2 different, unlikely love leads. But you need the situation or hook that brings them together, it typically can't just be "he likes her" and pursues her through the conventional ways.Usually…
on Four friends, who are all about to go through some life changing experiences. The Brotherhood is about to become The Fatherhood. And it isn’t going to be easy

This subject is generally interesting, but not nearly descriptive enough for a logline, as you've described a general life experience. For example, Wild Hogs is about 4 friends who have a middle-age crisis, well that's pretty ordinary. But the hook…
on A very rich and upright businessman has been diagnosed with a disease that requires an organ transplant. He now considers buying an organ from the black market and is under pressure to cut corners to survive.

I like the possibilities here. I assume the story is not about him 'considering' finding a black market organ, it's about him actually pursuing it (whether or not he does it in the end):A rich, upright businessman is?diagnosed with a…

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