timmyelliot

Samurai · 1,080 points

1,420 points to Mentor

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72 reviews

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on Trapped inside a deadly house of mirrors, a copy-cat killer suffering double vision becomes the original killers next victim.

It feels like the logline is your hook. It feels like a good first scene: you just dropped your hero into a nasty situation... and I'm with him... I'm in that house of mirrors with a killer stalking me... and...…
on After the gruesome murder of his wife, a man takes the only logical choice he has; become the monster that destroyed his life. wearing the faces of his victims, the town goes into a frenzy to figure out who is the man behind the masks.

... when I first read it, I thought it was a comedy with him thinking his only logical choice being something ridiculously over-the-top. If you are handling this straight, then I'd agree with mmckean.
on When a talented college football kicker goes undrafted, he falls into the world he has been trying so hard to get away from, the mob.

Personally, this logline isn't grabbing me. The hero is too passive. He seems spineless. It's about things either being done to him (being undrafted) or things happening to him (falling). I guess the hero's goal isn't clear to me either.…
on After a grisly string of murders, a museum security guard suspects the recent acquisition of a mysterious Egyptian artifact.

Is this the whole thing? I remember a previous version that was more than just a hook. Tor Dollhouse and SydneyPaul had made some great comments on that previous one about goals and stakes.
on Following the arrival of an ancient Egyptian artifact, museum employees begin to get murdered one by one. Now, a security guard who is dissatisfied with her job must solve the murders and catch the killer before she becomes the next victim.

I really like SyndneyPaul and TorDollhouse's comments.
on To overcome her performance anxiety, a renowned classical pianist pursues an anonymous affair with a man who is sharply skilled at erotic knife-play.

I like nicholasandrewhalls comment. I think you should set the story around a particular event, e.g. terrified of auditioning for the role of [blank], instead of the vague "performance anxiety." Focusing on performing at a particular event will allow the…
on After being accused of murder, a naïve secret agent searches for answers, only to find herself completely unequipped for life outside her sheltered little world.

It seems vague. It doesn't feel like you're telling me the story, but describing the conventions of the genre. You know, a thriller is about a naive "everyday person" who gets thrown into a very dangerous world.
on To overcome her performance anxiety, a renowned classical pianist pursues an anonymous affair with a man who is sharply skilled at erotic knife-play.

I love it. Her performance anxiety is fear-based, so she engages in a form of fear play. For me, it's unique and interesting. It almost reminds me of "Girl on The Bridge," but, if I recall, knife-play in that film…
on After critiquing a bunch of other people’s loglines, an optimistic screenwriter must improve his own poorly written ideas or wallow in unemployment forever. But what seems like a simple task soon reveals itself to be much harder than first anticipated …

I hope your optimistic screenwriter eventually wins. Good luck!
on A lieutenant’s assignment to turn an antiquated battle cruiser into a traveling museum is interrupted when he and members of the original crew are the only ones in range when a colony is attacked by alien raiders.

I like it. It works for me. I'm not too big on the title. It feels overused, especially for such an interesting story as yours. "Old Soldiers Never Die" evokes General Macarthur's speech (even though it predates him).