wereviking

Penpusher · 200 points

100 points to Logliner

1 logline
15 reviews

To save his country from invaders and win the hand of his childhood sweetheart (the king’s now widowed daughter), a disgraced young nobleman must triumph in the Knights League: a year-long tournament followed like a sport by rich and poor alike.

July 2, 2012

on Taking on warring Texas drug cartels, a female Iraq war vet of color, a teenage hunk from the feed store, and a cattle dog, come to the aid of a neighbor who’s son has been kidnapped.

Yeah good luck with that!
on Untitled urban fantasy

How is it an urban fantasy? And how would rescue attempts fail in the middle of NYC? I sense a missing fantastical element or am I just mislead by the "urban fantasy" tag?
on A stranger turns up claiming to be her son…yet she has no recollection of ever having given birth

I must admit this twist drew me in. You need to resolve the logline though, not the blurb that goes with it.
on A tragic event leads Meena to dwell into her relationship with her maid Radha.

Not sure of the function of "to dwell" as a verb in this logline.
on A lonely young man gets caught up in the craziness of an exclusive nightclub that he discovers might be trafficking drugs but he soon falls head over heels for a quirky girl who is addicted to the club, the only way to save her and maybe himself is to bring it all down.

You had the makings here already. Loglines just have to be tighter and more concise.
on To save his country from invaders and win the hand of his childhood sweetheart (the king’s now widowed daughter), a disgraced young nobleman must triumph in the Knights League: a year-long tournament followed like a sport by rich and poor alike.

I'm still hoping for an expert opinion. Karel?
on To save his country from invaders and win the hand of his childhood sweetheart (the king’s now widowed daughter), a disgraced young nobleman must triumph in the Knights League: a year-long tournament followed like a sport by rich and poor alike.

Yeah I am after a mechanical analysis of the logline, not whether a story that hasn't been read should be aborted. Thanks. I have mixed feelings about the advice on this one, but it is all helpful.
on To save his country from invaders and win the hand of his childhood sweetheart (the king’s now widowed daughter), a disgraced young nobleman must triumph in the Knights League: a year-long tournament followed like a sport by rich and poor alike.

I submitted the logline for comments, not the pitch.
on After a twisted psychopath is murdered, an evil entity targets the current lineage of those responsible to husk, and kill them to sate his revenge.

Shucking? Not sure what the aversion is to a straight-forward "skinning". Is it just the means of killing? Would be cool to do more with it than that. Is that who your protagonist was already or has she just emerged…
on Distraught that his favourite daughter was captured. King Neptune wanted her back, now he is getting angry, very angry.

Getting your punctuation right is as important as rooting out typoes. Also, why does Neptune want his daughter back, aside from the obvious (which still needs to be explained). I feel this is not a fresh idea (see Splash! or…

To save his country from invaders and win the hand of his childhood sweetheart (the king’s now widowed daughter), a disgraced young nobleman must triumph in the Knights League: a year-long tournament followed like a sport by rich and poor alike.