1. Posted: January 18, 2020In:

    During WWI, when British Intelligence discovers the German’s retreat is a trap, two young soldiers must venture across enemy territory to deliver orders halting an attack that would cost the lives of 1,600 soldiers

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    I debated about including the fact that one of the soldiers' brothers was part of the company for the planned attack. It's a good motivational point and adds personal stakes for a character. However, I'm not sure it's necessary. It HAS to be "two soldiers" as a joint protagonist because of key eventRead more

    I debated about including the fact that one of the soldiers’ brothers was part of the company for the planned attack. It’s a good motivational point and adds personal stakes for a character. However, I’m not sure it’s necessary. It HAS to be “two soldiers” as a joint protagonist because of key events that happen in the movie (I’m trying to keep this spoiler free) and adding “including one of the soldiers’ brothers” adds six words and never, for me, increases the overall stakes… 1,600 is a lot. This mission would be identical without knowing the “brother-factor” and since the soldiers were ordered, rather than volunteered, I think it was merely a decision on the writers’ parts to add personal stakes for one of our heroes in an attempt to really hammer home the urgency and makes the heroes feel like they’re pushing the story rather than pulling. Without it, perhaps the soldiers would have been less motivated to go on such a dangerous mission so this puts them firmly in the driving seat… it’s not just orders and they’re proactive because of it ?but is it necessary in the logline…?

    I look forward to your comments.

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  2. Posted: January 3, 2020In:

    When a man wakes up in an unfamiliar bar with no memories, he is compelled to solve the mystery and reconsider his own relationship with death.

    Best Answer
    torgodog Logliner

    Does refer to the movie already made. "When a man wakes up with no memories in the world where people interact through a game of Rock. Paper. Scissors. , he must solve the mystery of his predicament."

    Does refer to the movie already made.

    “When a man wakes up with no memories in the world where people interact through a game of Rock. Paper. Scissors. , he must solve the mystery of his predicament.”

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  3. Posted: December 17, 2019In:

    When he?s pulled back into the real world after a mysterious board game traps him in a jungle for 26 years, a fearful man-child and his fellow players must survive the dangers that appear on every dice-roll to finish the game so he can return to his childhood.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    Looking at the IMDB summary: When two kids find and play a magical board game, they release a man trapped in it for decades--and a host of dangers that can only be stopped by finishing the game. ... I think "magical" makes more sense than mysterious.? Mysterious just seems like a "ghost story at theRead more

    Looking at the IMDB summary:

    When two kids find and play a magical board game, they release a man trapped in it for decades–and a host of dangers that can only be stopped by finishing the game.

    … I think “magical” makes more sense than mysterious.? Mysterious just seems like a “ghost story at the campfire” type of word, especially after the protagonist has 26 years of experience with it, it’s not really a mystery anymore.? And “decades” is simpler and just as effective as 26 years.

    The thing I’m having the most problem with yours is “his fellow players”.? It seems like just a throw-in, and you don’t explain anything about who they are or why we care about them.

    I didn’t think mentioning “pulled back into the real world” is necessary.? The idea of “freeing” or “releasing” someone from an object kind of implies? that.? When you release a genie from a lamp, you’d assume they’re no longer stuck in the lamp.? It’s not quite the same with a “jungle in a game”, but, to be free of it generally means “our world”, I think.

    I like the dice roll explanation… I don’t think it’s necessary and sounds unnecessarily specific, but it does add some information that I think might interest a reader.? And I think returning to childhood also would add interest.

    I’d try to say something like:

    When two kids free a man from the magical board game that trapped him in a jungle for decades,? they must finish the game, surviving the dangers that appear on every dice-roll, so he can return to his childhood.

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