1. Posted: January 14, 2020In:

    John Wick is on the run after killing a member of the international assassin’s guild, and with a $14 million price tag on his head, he is the target of hit men and women everywhere.

    kemority Penpusher

    This definitely sounds like an intriguing plot.? Though the 'why' behind the murder implies this is a sequel to a previous film.? ?And $14 million is quite a hefty price tag, so one could infer the deceased member was highly ranking.

    This definitely sounds like an intriguing plot.? Though the ‘why’ behind the murder implies this is a sequel to a previous film.? ?And $14 million is quite a hefty price tag, so one could infer the deceased member was highly ranking.

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  2. Posted: February 26, 2020In:

    A mobster take down drug lords and rescues a former child actor before he dies.

    Tony Byrd Penpusher

    I again revised it. 1) He was kidnapped by drug lords. 2) He must rescue him. 3) He has cancer. 4) He is a mobster.

    I again revised it.

    1) He was kidnapped by drug lords.

    2) He must rescue him.

    3) He has cancer.

    4) He is a mobster.

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  3. Posted: February 22, 2020In:

    Present day: After his mother is accidentally killed during a father-son quarrel, a young martial artist must find his long-lost uncle – to explain his mother’s dying words, while he is relentlessly pursued by his father, a martial arts master who has vowed to kill him.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Redroad:Your latest version leaves me less puzzled.? It has a logical reason why he would go in search of his uncle -- he needs his protection.? That makes perfect and immediate sense.? Everything in a logline -- logic,motivation,? causality -- must make immediate sense.? A logline doesn't allow wriRead more

    Redroad:

    Your latest version leaves me less puzzled.? It has a logical reason why he would go in search of his uncle — he needs his protection.? That makes perfect and immediate sense.? Everything in a logline — logic,motivation,? causality — must make immediate sense.? A logline doesn’t allow writers the? luxury of space to explain. Only time? (10-12 seconds) to tell.

    Let me clarify my pov:? for the purposes of the script as distinct from the logline, you can work in all that material about his also needing to deliver a message.

    But a logline? is different.? A writer has to work within the tyranny of a template.? He must distill 100+ pages of script down to one sentence of (ideally) 30 words or less that contains a short list of elements:? inciting incident, character, goal, obstacle.

    Oh, the outrageous tyranny of the template, the inhumanity of being constrained to only 30 words!? But that’s the nature of the biz beast.

    Now then:

    On the basis of? my own systematic? and extensive study of loglines , I have concluded that “sweet? spot” for logline word length is 20-30 words. 30-35 words is tolerable;? 35-40 is worrisome.? Anything over 40 words is unacceptable.

    I don’t expect you to accept that just because I say it;? I can back it up it with a graph of a logline database I have built.? But the ability to upload graphs at this site has been disabled.? However, check out this link to a graph I was able to post in in a discussion thread in 2016. (Since then, the sample size has grown to 940; the distribution remains relatively stable.)

    Your latest version is 46 words long.? So I suggest it needs to be trimmed:? Here is my revision that comes in? at 36 words.

    After his mother accidentally dies in a family fight, a grieving young martial artist must flee home and find protection from his long-lost uncle while fending off his father’s warriors who have orders to kill him.

    It needs polishing, but there it is.? My takeaway is that when it comes to drafting loglines, less is more.

    fwiw

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