1. Posted: March 27, 2025In:

    When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him.

    Trevor Penpusher

    "funds"? Did you mean to write "finds"? "his brain remembers": why include 'his brain'? There's just too much to taken in for me to care about any of this. What is going to be the dramatic/emotional engine? The duplication of 'secret/secrets' and 'release' makes the logline sound clumsy. You may neeRead more

    “funds”? Did you mean to write “finds”?
    “his brain remembers”: why include ‘his brain’?
    There’s just too much to taken in for me to care about any of this.
    What is going to be the dramatic/emotional engine?
    The duplication of ‘secret/secrets’ and ‘release’ makes the logline sound clumsy.
    You may need to use spelling software as “metaphics” is another typo.
    This seems to be all McGuffin and nothing else.

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  2. Posted: February 12, 2025In:

    A highly skilled young man trained in both physical and verbal warfare is forced into leadership as an opposing government works behind the scenes to eradicate his family and steal their resources

    dogger Penpusher

    "forced into leadership..." to do what? What is his specific, concrete objective goal?

    “forced into leadership…” to do what? What is his specific, concrete objective goal?

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  3. Posted: June 18, 2024In:

    On a farm in the Portuguese countryside, two Indostanic immigrants with a forbidden attraction become the suspects after the mysterious death of their overbearing female boss. Without papers and pursued by the locals, they take refuge in the container where they live.

    Julian Bowles Penpusher

    I think this is a really effective set up of the characters and the world! All the little details really encourage my curiosity and I am hooked! My only real critique is the last sentence, I believe that it can be more condensed. Perhaps something like 'They take refuge from the law in a container uRead more

    I think this is a really effective set up of the characters and the world! All the little details really encourage my curiosity and I am hooked! My only real critique is the last sentence, I believe that it can be more condensed. Perhaps something like ‘They take refuge from the law in a container unit’ or anything adjacent. I am completely spitballing, otherwise I am genuinely hooked on this concept. Simply slimming it down and making ever word essential will make it air tight.

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