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After failing to reconnect with his estranged daughter, a corrupt NYPD cop changes his ways and goes after mobsters that are attacking the city.
Currently there is no connection between the inciting incident and his goal. It's not made clear that the reason why he has changed his ways is to make an attempt to show his daughter that he can do better. It's also not explained that the reason why his daughter doesn't reconnect with him is becausRead more
Currently there is no connection between the inciting incident and his goal. It’s not made clear that the reason why he has changed his ways is to make an attempt to show his daughter that he can do better. It’s also not explained that the reason why his daughter doesn’t reconnect with him is because of his corruption. Without linking the inciting incident and the goal it doesn’t really work. Imagine the opening scene – the daughter rejecting him. Now the closing scene – the mobsters being locked in jail. The audience will be sitting there wondering what happened with his daughter.
As Knightrider has pointed out, you said that he “changes his ways”. That’s his character arc done in one scene. Draw it out, make us feel like this is a struggle for him. He’s a bad guy trying to make good for the sake of his daughter but with 20 years of corruption behind him that’s not gonna be easy. We need to feel like there’s a risk for him too. I feel like he just decides one day to throw all the mobsters in jail, so he does, the end. Why isn’t it that easy?
You said “goes after the mobsters”. His goal should be the end of that action… to throw the mobsters in jail. Or, in a bid to make it relate to the inciting incident, earn the respect of his daughter.
I’d maybe promote this guy too. He’s not just an NYPD cop… he’s a Captain, or a Sergeant, or a Chief. This increases what’s at stake for him because his reputation is on the line too.
Hope this all helps.
See lessAfter being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.
"After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him." (38 words) Protagonist: " corrupt NYPD officer (47)" ---> As mentioned bRead more
“After being rejected by his daughter (21), a corrupt NYPD officer (47) decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.” (38 words)
Protagonist: ” corrupt NYPD officer (47)” —> As mentioned before, there is no need to include an age. If his age has something to do with the story, imply it with an adjective. (ex: a veteran detective). Otherwise, this is okay.
Antagonist: Seems to be implied that? it would be the criminals he’s going undercover with. Also okay.
Goal: “decides to turn over a new leaf and initiate a massive undercover operation in order to prove his daughter that he?s changed and make her proud of him.” —> A logline should not describe two goals. It should describe the?objective. This logline is categorized as ‘Action’. The relationship with the daughter does not seem to fall in line with an objective which would lead to action.
For example, take a look at “Die Hard”(1988). McClane’s?objective?goal is to defeat the terrorists. As a result, he learns the lesson he needs in order to fulfill his?subjective goal by mending his relationship with his estranged wife. As I mentioned before, a logline should only?explicitly describe the?objective goal. The subjective plotline can be implied, but it should not be the focus(this is one of the reasons the logline is so long.)
Inciting incident: “After being rejected by his daughter (21)”? —> Again, no need to include age. Above I’ve discussed that the logline seems to be focusing on the incorrect goal, which also means this inciting incident does not properly reflect the event which forces the protagonist to pursue his objective goal.
Which leads to the ‘Climax’: From this logline, I can infer that an?inevitable outcome based on the goal is that the protagonist either kills/arrests the bad guy, or is defeated himself. Working backward, what is the event which forces him to pursue this specific goal?
To use “Die Hard” again as an example:
Inciting incident: when the terrorists take his wife and her coworkers hostage.
Goal: To defeat free the hostages by defeating the terrorists.
>Climax: terrorists are defeated, hostages saved.
From that inciting incident, the final showdown between McClane and Gruber is an?inevtiable outcome. They share a causal relationship.
To make up an example using elements from your logline:?After his informant tells him about a massive arms deal, a corrupt cop must use the opportunity to go undercover with a street gang to arrest the city’s kingpin. (29 words)
I suggest considering these elements for a revision. I also suggest reviewing other members’ loglines, the feedback they receive, and also the formula tab at the top of the webpage.
See lessSeveral years after losing his team in a mission gone wrong, a top grade elite sniper is recruited back to train a team of rising soldiers to stop a group of elite forces trying to kill a foreign politician.
I switched it to a foreign politician. It could be anything of your choosing and? I hope it makes it better and spot on. Thank you for your reviews. I need to be on here more often. Sorry for the absence.
I switched it to a foreign politician. It could be anything of your choosing and? I hope it makes it better and spot on. Thank you for your reviews. I need to be on here more often. Sorry for the absence.
See less