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When a British Agent is accused of aiding the terrorist attack she failed to foil, she is forced to go on the run from, and on the hunt for, both friends and foes.
My tweak: When a British agent is accused of aiding a terrorist attack she failed to foil, she must prove her innocence while on the run from coworkers and conspirators. (28 words)Notes: My tweak explicitly includes her objective goal, what she must do while on the lam. I have no problem with the inRead more
My tweak:
When a British agent is accused of aiding a terrorist attack she failed to foil, she must prove her innocence while on the run from coworkers and conspirators.
(28 words)
Notes:
My tweak explicitly includes her objective goal, what she must do while on the lam.
I have no problem with the inciting incident being the accusation.? That’s when the action of the plot proper begins? Until she’s accused she has no need to run, no need to prove her innocence.? Everything else before that event is setup.
I? used “coworkers” instead of friends because aren’t her erstwhile friends now her foes?? But that’s picky, optional.
And “conspirators” to preserve the alliteration.? But again, that’s picky, optional.
fwiw
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If "...all life depends on her own survival..." has she been alive for millions of years? Is she immortal? If not, how could humanity have existed before her being born and how will humanity live after she dies? These are just a few of the fundamental logic stumbling blocks this concept will come upRead more
If “…all life depends on her own survival…” has she been alive for millions of years? Is she immortal? If not, how could humanity have existed before her being born and how will humanity live after she dies?
These are just a few of the fundamental logic stumbling blocks this concept will come up against. Even if you have an answer offhand, you’ll have to explain it very quickly and clearly. If a decision maker doesn’t get the concept after hearing the logline and asks a follow up question, you have about 30 seconds to clarify it or else they’ll think that either you don’t know the answer or the concept doesn’t work – either way, they’ll likely pass.
I think the basic premise is too complex for its own good. And I don’t mean the story is complex so as to make it interesting, I mean the actual components that make up the premise are too many and too far fetched. The result is that all these elements are now competing for importance in this concept and as we’ve seen from this thread, they all need too much exposition to explain the logic that connects them.
I, to, saw many similarities between your ‘power’ and the Star Wars ‘force’ and as we’ve seen there’s a parallel between Neo in the Matrix and your MC as well. Point is, that in order to differentiate this story from others in its genre, you’ve added complications and elements – which is good, but they’re simply not working in its current form – which is bad.
I can’t make any useful suggestions at this stage as I’de need to invent too much from scratch for that to work. To help you we need to know what in the story makes it work for you.
See lessWhat is it about this character, premise or plot that attracts you the most to this concept as a whole?
Cursed by an Indian medicine man, a badass rocker must overcome the curse, to find the love of his life.
nedlog:Okay, the curse and the cause (inciting incident) are need-to-know info in the logline.? That info removes my concern about it being a contrived (aka: deus ex machina) set up.? Now I can see the potential in the premise.One caveat:? a logline is about objective goals not subjective needs.? AbRead more
nedlog:
Okay, the curse and the cause (inciting incident) are need-to-know info in the logline.? That info removes my concern about it being a contrived (aka: deus ex machina) set up.? Now I can see the potential in the premise.
One caveat:? a logline is about objective goals not subjective needs.? About what a protagonist intentionally seeks, not what he unintentionally learns.? Because while the protagonist always? wants? some objective outcome to his struggle, for darn sure he never wants to face up to and overcome his subjective problem.? Not initially.? At the time he fixes on his objective goal as a result of the inciting incident, he’s essentially clueless, in a state of denial, that he has a subjective problem he must? confront and resolve.? In drama as in real life, a character never faces up to his personal problems until he realizes there’s no other option if he wants to achieve his objective.
So the question in my mind is:? as a result of the curse condemning him to have to walk, what becomes his objective goal?? What destination is he walking to (because he can’t rider there)?
(And as an ironical touch, have you considered having his surname be ‘Walker’?? So the Indians forces him to live up to his surname.)
fwiw
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