1. Posted: February 24, 2016In:

    an abandoned boy will have changed destination after knowing their new parents. After being having a normal life things will change and it is because of these things he will become a super hero.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    As mentioned above the logline lacks detail and uses generic statements that fail to describe a plot. Try to re draft the logline so it outlines who the main character is, what his inciting incident is and what his goal is. Lastly: GRAMMAR.

    As mentioned above the logline lacks detail and uses generic statements that fail to describe a plot.

    Try to re draft the logline so it outlines who the main character is, what his inciting incident is and what his goal is.

    Lastly:

    GRAMMAR.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: February 6, 2016In:

    An assassin couple seeks retirement but their victims thirst for revenge, to find peace they have to kill one more time.

    dpg Singularity

    So... if their victims "thirst for revenge", then the assassin couple don't seem to be very good at their job.? Because if they were, their victims would be dead, wouldn't they?Well, I presume you mean their kin or comrades want revenge.? Whatever, the bigger potential issue I see?is:? why should weRead more

    So… if their victims “thirst for revenge”, then the assassin couple don’t seem to be very good at their job.? Because if they were, their victims would be dead, wouldn’t they?

    Well, I presume you mean their kin or comrades want revenge.? Whatever, the bigger potential issue I see?is:? why should we want to emphasize or at least be interested in the fate of a couple of assassins –professional ?murderers?? Why should we root for them to survive? ?Maybe the killing couple have ?it coming to them — it’s payback time.

    Unless the couple only assassinated people who had it coming to them — oppressive dictators, corrupt businessmen, etc.?– but there’s nothing in the logline to indicate that.

    Also, a specific antagonist needs to be identified among the many who “thirst for revenge”.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: February 5, 2016In:

    When a former soldier’s young daughter is kidnapped, he will do everything in his power to take down those responsible to rescue her.

    Richiev Singularity

    This logline would be helped with some specifics.As DPG mentioned, from how it's written it could be a 'Taken' clone. Adding some specifics would help distinguish your script from other movies. ----- 1) "... must do everything in his power": This line doesn't tell us anything, you should give us somRead more

    This logline would be helped with some specifics.

    As DPG mentioned, from how it’s written it could be a ‘Taken’ clone. Adding some specifics would help distinguish your script from other movies.
    —–
    1) “… must do everything in his power”: This line doesn’t tell us anything, you should give us something specific he must do, ‘infiltrate the mob’ ‘sneak onto air force one’, ‘disguise himself as a woman to infiltrate a beauty pageant’.

    2) “…take down those responsible”: While you only have a couple of words to play with, you should give the reader some information about who took his daughter. ‘When middle eastern terrorist kidnap his daughter’, ‘when a South American drug lord kidnaps his daughter’, ‘When an evil kids show host take his daughter hostage’.

    Once you do this, your loline will give the reader a better idea of what your story is about and not sound like any other movie: Here is an example.

    —–
    “When an evil kids-show-host takes his daughter hostage, a former Green Baret must disguise him self as a purple dinosaur and infiltrate the TV station.”
    —–

    While your logline will be different, adding specifics will greatly improve the logline and show the reader it’s unique hook.

    Hope that helped, good luck with this!

    See less
    • 0