1. Posted: August 25, 2021In:

    A NewEngland nurse finds herself in the center of a medical genetic ethics clash while caring for her patients – a story of modern medicine and another of ancient Mayan healing, unfold side by side, weaving togehter in this medical science fiction thriller.

    Richiev Singularity

    I think two things would help improve this logline First: Adding a goal for the lead character into the logline; what does the lead character want to accomplish? Second: You should add stakes to the logline. You describe this as an adventure thriller, which implies there are steaks, but a 'debate' dRead more

    I think two things would help improve this logline

    First: Adding a goal for the lead character into the logline; what does the lead character want to accomplish?

    Second: You should add stakes to the logline. You describe this as an adventure thriller, which implies there are steaks, but a ‘debate’ doesn’t imply stakes. What happens if the lead character loses the debate? (Whether an actual debate or metaphorical debate)

    Anyway, when the lead character ‘finds’ herself in the debate, this should cause her to have a goal, and there should be consequences if she fails to accomplish her goal.

    Hope that helps

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  2. Posted: July 7, 2021In:

    A photo safari guide enlists the help of his daughter and her billionaire husband to find an historic treasure near Kilimanjaro. What they find is astonishing, and nearly costs them everything.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    This is kinda like a cross between a logline and a tagline. It's incredibly vague and definitely in need of clarity. At what point do they make the discovery of the treasure? If it's at the end of the second act, we need more information about their quest and why it's difficult to find this treasureRead more

    This is kinda like a cross between a logline and a tagline. It’s incredibly vague and definitely in need of clarity.

    At what point do they make the discovery of the treasure? If it’s at the end of the second act, we need more information about their quest and why it’s difficult to find this treasure. If it’s at the midpoint, we need a clear midpoint reversal in the logline (“but when blah blah blah they must change their goal”). If it’s earlier than the midpoint then it’s likely to be the inciting incident and we need the goal which is set up by this discovery.

    Can you give us something more about our protagonist? Why is he a photo safari guide? What relevance does that have to the story? If he’s treasure hunting, surely archeologist makes more sense?

    What stands in their way? At the moment, we have something which hints at antagonistic forces but with no solid understanding of who or what these are and no idea what’s really at stake other than “everything”.

    Hope this helps.

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  3. Posted: June 14, 2021In:

    When an adventurous lone hunter is lost to the river gorges, chasing a mysterious man or beast known as the Bunyip, his grieving family and friends must pick up the pieces and discover the truth about his disappearance.

    Hullaballoo Penpusher

    Edit: When an adventurous lone hunter, chasing an elusive man or beast, locally known as the Bunyip, is tragically lost to the river gorges, his grieving family and friends must pick up the pieces and discover the truth about his untimely disappearance.

    Edit:
    When an adventurous lone hunter, chasing an elusive man or beast, locally known as the Bunyip, is tragically lost to the river gorges, his grieving family and friends must pick up the pieces and discover the truth about his untimely disappearance.

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