1. Posted: February 22, 2017In:

    When a humiliated teen starts visualizing the true desires of any female he touches, he gets a chance to win the girl away from his Machiavellian rival.

    [Deleted User]

    Just a couple housekeeping things, I'm not sure if they've been mentioned or not, but: "the girl"? What girl? Why does he "want" her? And if his rival is "Machiavellian", doesn't your protagonist using his new power for his own gain make him the same thing? What separates them? I think this is similRead more

    Just a couple housekeeping things, I’m not sure if they’ve been mentioned or not, but:

    “the girl”? What girl? Why does he “want” her?

    And if his rival is “Machiavellian”, doesn’t your protagonist using his new power for his own gain make him the same thing? What separates them? I think this is similar to the movie?Election?in that they are all morally grey but what makes them sympathetic and possibly borderline likable is that they struggle with their guilt throughout as it builds up throughout. If this isn’t what you were going for, then change the descriptions of your characters immediately.

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  2. Posted: February 22, 2017In:

    After losing everything to an emotionally sophisticated rival, the one-time ?king of high school? gets a chance to win it all back when he starts visualizing the desires of anyone he touches.

    dpg Singularity

    "Losing everything" -- what does that mean? ? What's at stake? "Emotionally sophisticated " -- what does that mean? ?And rather than characterize the antagonist, the logline would do better to characterize the protagonist. Why should we want to root for the ex-king to regain whatever he lost? How, sRead more

    “Losing everything” — what does that mean? ? What’s at stake?
    “Emotionally sophisticated ” — what does that mean? ?And rather than characterize the antagonist, the logline would do better to characterize the protagonist.
    Why should we want to root for the ex-king to regain whatever he lost?
    How, specifically, will this visualization enable him to climb back on top of the social heap?

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  3. Posted: January 23, 2017In:

    After lying about being pregnant in order to spite her philandering partner, an antisocial young punk must face up to her responsibilities as she begins to realise the lengths to which he is willing to go in order to change his ways and face up to his.

    Richiev Singularity

    I am not sure what the goal of the lead character is... From reading this, it seems as if the philandering partner should be the lead character since they are the one who goes through the change.

    I am not sure what the goal of the lead character is…

    From reading this, it seems as if the philandering partner should be the lead character since they are the one who goes through the change.

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