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A shy guy tries to seduce a snobby girl during an awkward pre-arranged mating session between their chihuahua dogs. COMEDY SHORT
Tjmohr:I like the inciting incident.? It's a great metaphor for the sexual tension? -- in his mind, anyway.However, having him to overtly seduce her is oafish, tacky --- just plain dumb even for a comedy.? ?Especially in the #MeToo era.? He has a fatal character of not being able to? treat her as anRead more
Tjmohr:
I like the inciting incident.? It’s a great metaphor for the sexual tension? — in his mind, anyway.
However, having him to overtly seduce her is oafish, tacky — just plain dumb even for a comedy.? ?Especially in the #MeToo era.? He has a fatal character of not being able to? treat her as anything more than sex object.? ?He deserves for her to slap? him in the face and storm away.? So it seems to me a more acceptable objective goal would be for him to a date in a manner where she doesn’t laugh in his face and walk away.? Treat her like a lady.
And rather than describe her as being a snob, describe her as being classy — he’s trying to date outside his league, above his place in the prevailing social order.? Which in this version of the logline, he most surely is.
fwiw
See lessA shy guy tries to seduce a snobby girl during an awkward pre-arranged mating session between their chihuahua dogs. COMEDY SHORT
For a short I like the premise, two shy people meet to allow their dogs to mate, it's embarrassing so they engage in small talk while behind them you hear the mating noises. As for the logline, this is a little tougher, the line, "Must deal with the situation" is not very specific. How does he speciRead more
For a short I like the premise, two shy people meet to allow their dogs to mate, it’s embarrassing so they engage in small talk while behind them you hear the mating noises.
As for the logline, this is a little tougher, the line, “Must deal with the situation” is not very specific. How does he specifically deal with the situation?
Is his objective to just get through the situation?
Is his goal to put his counterpart at ease?
Is his goal to get a date from the girl?
Anyway, I like this premise as a short or even just as a skit,? but you might want to add a specific or two, to the logline.
See lessWhen a taser-slinging HOA president threatens to harm her pooch, a mom stages a coup to take him down ? during the neighborhood?s ladies-only Bunco Night. (25 words)
Agree with mikepedley85 that the tasering could be the tipping point provocation, the one that triggers the woman to plot a coup .? And it's the culmination of a series of offenses inflicted by the HOA honcho on others, not just the antagonist.? That is necessary in order to motivate others to becomRead more
Agree with mikepedley85 that the tasering could be the tipping point provocation, the one that triggers the woman to plot a coup .? And it’s the culmination of a series of offenses inflicted by the HOA honcho on others, not just the antagonist.? That is necessary in order to motivate others to become co-conspirators.
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