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After his best friend dies committing a school shooting, a troubled teen is sent to live with his estranged father and meets a boy who opens him up to new experiences.
The story seems to be about the relationship between the troubled teen and his new friend. The rest is backstory, which is good for the script but just takes up space in the logline.What is the lead character's goal? He meets the new friend and then he wants... (What does your lead character want?)
The story seems to be about the relationship between the troubled teen and his new friend. The rest is backstory, which is good for the script but just takes up space in the logline.
What is the lead character’s goal? He meets the new friend and then he wants… (What does your lead character want?)
See lessJust when she starts fitting in at her new high school, 17 year old Maddie?s werewolf father goes on another killing spree, and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush.
There are multiple logline versions in this thread, and they share some of the same problems, so I will focus on the original post. I recommend reading the formula tab at the top of the page and reading through other members' loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand logline formatRead more
There are multiple logline versions in this thread, and they share some of the same problems, so I will focus on the original post.
I recommend reading the formula tab at the top of the page and reading through other members’ loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand logline format and elements.
Logline: “Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school, 17 year old Maddie?s werewolf father goes on another killing spree, and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush.” (35 words)
To start, “Just when she starts fitting in at her new high school” is unnecessary for a logline. Loglines should include minimal background details and should focus on the core of the story.
Protagonist: “17 year old Maddie” —> Loglines shouldn’t use the names of fictional characters unless they are from an established franchise. And describing a character’s age does very little to help with understanding the character.
To use “Taken” as an example: A retired CIA agent. —> This tells a logline reader that 1) he’s retired, 2)He was in the CIA, and to a general audience that means he’s acquired a “particular set of skills”.
Inciting incident: “werewolf father goes on another killing spree” —> This is an okay inciting incident, but the real problem seems to be with the goal.
Example(Taken): After his daughter is kidnapped. —> Boom, a clear event, which forces the protagonist into action.
Goal: “and she has to keep the dark secret from her new school crush” —> Why does this matter? Her father is killing people and she’s worried about someone finding out that he’s a werewolf? This also isn’t a clear objective to accomplish. It’s an indefinite goal which isn’t the type that works for a story. This also doesn’t seem to describe a causal relationship with the inciting incident. If her father’s been a werewolf for however long, why is that she just now starts to try to keep it a secret? In other words, the inciting incident doesn’t?force her to pursue her goal.
Example: he(Mills) must find and rescue his daughter. —> A clear goal formed?because of the inciting incident. With a definite endpoint, a clear objective, and is described visually.
Antagonist: I am unclear about who the antagonist would be from this logline. If her goal is to prevent someone from finding something out, then who is directly opposing her? Why would anyone care?
Example(Taken): the kidnappers.
I recommend considering these elements for a revision.
See lessAfter two girls fall in love in El Salvador, they try to make a future, even if it means crossing the dangerous border for the ‘land of the free.’
If your script has an antagonist. Someone who persecutes the couple for being gay, it should be added to the script. It would look something like this: ----------------------------------------- "When she is persecuted by a powerful Catholic?priest for being gay, a determined woman from El Salvador aRead more
If your script has an antagonist. Someone who persecutes the couple for being gay, it should be added to the script.
See lessIt would look something like this:
—————————————–
“When she is persecuted by a powerful Catholic?priest for being gay, a determined woman from El Salvador and her lover escape their country and risk a dangerous border crossing into America in the hopes of living free.”