1. Posted: July 25, 2021In:

    When a young boy is taken away from his father, and starts to get raped by his mother, he must find a way to escape.

    Nordic12 Penpusher

    It reads like an opening line or a teaser not a complete logline. Also delete"When" and start with"A" and delete "starts to get raped" and insert "gets raped" to tighten it up and make the action more immediate

    It reads like an opening line or a teaser not a complete logline. Also delete”When” and start with”A” and delete “starts to get raped” and insert “gets raped” to tighten it up and make the action more immediate

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  2. Posted: July 25, 2021In:

    When a young boy is taken away from his father, and starts to get raped by his mother, he must find a way to escape.

    Nordic12 Penpusher

    I see an event described but not an entire story. It reads like an opening line or a teaser, not a logline. Also I would drop "starts to get raped" and put in "gets raped" and drop "When" and start with "A " to tighten it up and make the action more immediate.

    I see an event described but not an entire story. It reads like an opening line or a teaser, not a logline. Also I would drop “starts to get raped” and put in “gets raped” and drop “When” and start with “A ” to tighten it up and make the action more immediate.

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  3. Posted: July 14, 2021In:

    When a successful Realtor begins having nightmares of real-life crimes that are orchestrated by the mob he must find how to use this “gift” to save the victims and himself.

    cdesikan Penpusher

    Just my thoughts: Though there is a hook, i am not clear of its power. For e.g. is the realtor sees the crime before it happens or afterwards. Why only 'mob'? It would be good to have all four components: 1. protagonist 2. hook 3. antagonist 4. solution

    Just my thoughts: Though there is a hook, i am not clear of its power. For e.g. is the realtor sees the crime before it happens or afterwards. Why only ‘mob’? It would be good to have all four components:
    1. protagonist 2. hook 3. antagonist 4. solution

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