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After a machete wielding gang murder his partner, a vengeful drug mule hides with a geriatric cripple in his station wagon, to chase and kill the psychotic crew.
This logline works pretty well, although I agree it could be shorter.? However,? the problem that comes through in the character of the mule. His only characteristic is that he is vengeful - which happens during the story. Who is he before this? Also, is a simple drug mule really going to become anRead more
This logline works pretty well, although I agree it could be shorter.? However,? the problem that comes through in the character of the mule. His only characteristic is that he is vengeful – which happens during the story. Who is he before this? Also, is a simple drug mule really going to become an enforcer? If he was a violent character, wouldn’t he normally have ended up in some other role than mule? Has he snapped, or have they mistakenly messed with the wrong guy?
See lessAfter being diagnosed with an terminal illness, a radio host take down drug lords in order to pay for her cancer treatment.
Reads like a knock off of "Breaking Bad".
Reads like a knock off of “Breaking Bad”.
See lessArriving in Australia to find her brother missing and the police unwilling to conduct an investigation, a relentless Indian woman follows clues and her gut as she heads deeper into a dangerous underground world of racism and hatred.
This is certainly a topical story idea.A crude rewriteWhen an Indian woman comes to Australia to find out why her brother has vanished, she must overcome the ethnic hatred of the local police chief and community to discover what happened before her visa expires.(36 words)Notes:*Hit the ground with tRead more
This is certainly a topical story idea.
A crude rewrite
When an Indian woman comes to Australia to find out why her brother has vanished, she must overcome the ethnic hatred of the local police chief and community to discover what happened before her visa expires.
(36 words)
Notes:
*Hit the ground with the plot in 1st gear. shifting into 2nd.? She’s visiting Australia because he’s vanished.? No one she’s contacted from India has a clue or seems to care.
*ID the main character sooner rather than 1/2 way into the logline.
* Suggest persistent or tenacious may be better terms for her defining characteristic.
*The general ethnic bias lacks a face.? It should be personified in a primary antagonist.? Like a police chief who has no interest in investigating his disappearance .
* Visa:? inserts a ticking clock, a deadline, for her to solve the case. (Albeit, the standard tourist visa is good for 12 weeks.? Maybe too long for the narrative.? Maybe there an be some constraint that requires her to leave sooner.? Like she only has so much money.? Whatever.)
Best wishes with the script.
fwiw
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