1. Posted: February 15, 2020In:

    Arriving in Australia to find her brother missing and the police unwilling to conduct an investigation, a relentless Indian woman follows clues and her gut as she heads deeper into a dangerous underground world of racism and hatred.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    This is certainly a topical story idea.A crude rewriteWhen an Indian woman comes to Australia to find out why her brother has vanished, she must overcome the ethnic hatred of the local police chief and community to discover what happened before her visa expires.(36 words)Notes:*Hit the ground with tRead more

    This is certainly a topical story idea.

    A crude rewrite

    When an Indian woman comes to Australia to find out why her brother has vanished, she must overcome the ethnic hatred of the local police chief and community to discover what happened before her visa expires.
    (36 words)

    Notes:

    *Hit the ground with the plot in 1st gear. shifting into 2nd.? She’s visiting Australia because he’s vanished.? No one she’s contacted from India has a clue or seems to care.
    *ID the main character sooner rather than 1/2 way into the logline.
    * Suggest persistent or tenacious may be better terms for her defining characteristic.
    *The general ethnic bias lacks a face.? It should be personified in a primary antagonist.? Like a police chief who has no interest in investigating his disappearance .
    * Visa:? inserts a ticking clock, a deadline, for her to solve the case. (Albeit, the standard tourist visa is good for 12 weeks.? Maybe too long for the narrative.? Maybe there an be some constraint that requires her to leave sooner.? Like she only has so much money.? Whatever.)

    Best wishes with the script.

    fwiw

    ?

    ?

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  2. Posted: January 25, 2020In: ,

    The wife and mistress of a loathed man conspire to execute a perfect plan that makes it appear he accidentally drowned in a swimming pool — and then the body disappears.

    dpg Singularity

    Zordyceps:You raise a good point.? I would have worded the logline differently if the murder were the heart, the story hook of the French film.But the murder isn't really the main conflict.? In the film, the main conflict that dominates the 2nd half of the film is what the two women do AFTER the bodRead more

    Zordyceps:

    You raise a good point.? I would have worded the logline differently if the murder were the heart, the story hook of the French film.

    But the murder isn’t really the main conflict.? In the film, the main conflict that dominates the 2nd half of the film is what the two women do AFTER the body disappears (and the disappearance is the story hook). How the mistress, in particular, tries to figure out what happened without betraying what they did.

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  3. Posted: February 13, 2020In:

    Title: The Getaway When a retired from crime convict is released from prison she must redeem herself to win back the trust of her daughter. But when her daughter ends up kidnapped by a criminal mastermind, she is put through multiple lethal corrupted jobs, to save her child before its too late, and risk going back to prison which she vowed to leave forever.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Keeks, I agree with Mike - especially about it being easier to critique someone else's Logline than it is to write your own! LOL. Here are my thoughts: I like your title... The Getaway suggests both the MC getting away from crime and maybe the new job she is forced to perform - could she be the gRead more

    Hi Keeks,

    I agree with Mike – especially about it being easier to critique someone else’s Logline than it is to write your own! LOL. Here are my thoughts:

    • I like your title… The Getaway suggests both the MC getting away from crime and maybe the new job she is forced to perform – could she be the getaway driver? (never seen a woman in this kind of role before).
    • Things to strip out as redundant in my mind are “retired from crime” – ex-con… I don’t think you need to state she’s just been released from prison?, “she is put through multiple… etc” – blackmailed to perform one last job, “risking going back to prison” – delete.
    • Maybe she is the best at what she did, and the criminal mastermind is an old boss/accomplice? Maybe their last job together landed her in jail? That could give them a connection and a reason for the mastermind (maybe another woman?) to kidnap her daughter as a means to blackmail her?
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