1. Posted: January 14, 2020In:

    After a teenage daughter of a imprisoned mob boss who is a student of his gets kidnapped, a teacher moonlights himself to support his family as a taxi driver decides to take the law on his own hands to get revenge on those who got into prostitution.

    Richiev Singularity

    Sometimes it is good to let the reader know, why is it up to the lead to take action. Why don't the police do something or in the case of your story, why doesn't the mob boss send his goons out to get revenge.Here would be an attempt to explain why it is the teacher and not someone else that takes aRead more

    Sometimes it is good to let the reader know, why is it up to the lead to take action. Why don’t the police do something or in the case of your story, why doesn’t the mob boss send his goons out to get revenge.

    Here would be an attempt to explain why it is the teacher and not someone else that takes action.

    “When his student prodigy is kidnapped by human traffickers, a Green Beret turned teacher vows to hunt down those responsible and save his student at any cost.”

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  2. Posted: December 25, 2019In:

    (2nd revision) In order to name his rebellious son as heir to a dynasty that sells raided memories, an aging patriarch must fake a memory of succession inside him, before he fulfills a vow to expose his business.

    Trix Samurai

    I struggled to understand exactly what I'd be watching... the following immediately popped into my head: Why would he want a 'rebellious son' to inherit? What are 'raided' memories? - Stolen? Memories of a specific type/for a specific purpose? Why would he plant a fake memory inside himself rather tRead more

    I struggled to understand exactly what I’d be watching… the following immediately popped into my head:

    • Why would he want a ‘rebellious son’ to inherit?
    • What are ‘raided’ memories? – Stolen? Memories of a specific type/for a specific purpose?
    • Why would he plant a fake memory inside himself rather than look for a way to avoid exposing his business? (Or is the son threatening to expose the father?)

    Overall, Im confused.

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  3. Posted: December 31, 2019In:

    A crisis manager gets recruited by the vigilante crew he idolizes to expose how the family business he is paid to protect sells memories.

    dpg Singularity

    Alas, the logline buries the lead, the hook.? One has to read all the way to the last words to discover the interesting part of the premise, that the business is selling memories.Further,? a reader can only take the words of a logline at face value -- he can't read the writer's mind, what he intendeRead more

    Alas, the logline buries the lead, the hook.? One has to read all the way to the last words to discover the interesting part of the premise, that the business is selling memories.

    Further,? a reader can only take the words of a logline at face value — he can’t read the writer’s mind, what he intended to say; he can only read the words on the screen.? And the words on the screen don’t tell us what the protagonist’s objective goal is.? The logline tells us that he’s recruited, but it doesn’t say he accepts the offer or how he intends to go about achieving what the vigilantes want from him.

    And that’s segues to another issue:? the vaguely defined goal is owned by the vigilante crew, not by the crisis manager.?? They’ve subcontracted their goal for him to fulfill. It is not sufficient that he admires them.? He must passionately WANT and NEED to undertake the job for personal reasons– he must have personal stakes.

    fwiw

    ?

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