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A crisis manager gets recruited by the vigilante crew he idolizes to expose how the family business he is paid to protect sells memories.
Alas, the logline buries the lead, the hook.? One has to read all the way to the last words to discover the interesting part of the premise, that the business is selling memories.Further,? a reader can only take the words of a logline at face value -- he can't read the writer's mind, what he intendeRead more
Alas, the logline buries the lead, the hook.? One has to read all the way to the last words to discover the interesting part of the premise, that the business is selling memories.
Further,? a reader can only take the words of a logline at face value — he can’t read the writer’s mind, what he intended to say; he can only read the words on the screen.? And the words on the screen don’t tell us what the protagonist’s objective goal is.? The logline tells us that he’s recruited, but it doesn’t say he accepts the offer or how he intends to go about achieving what the vigilantes want from him.
And that’s segues to another issue:? the vaguely defined goal is owned by the vigilante crew, not by the crisis manager.?? They’ve subcontracted their goal for him to fulfill. It is not sufficient that he admires them.? He must passionately WANT and NEED to undertake the job for personal reasons– he must have personal stakes.
fwiw
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See lessA crisis manager gets recruited by the vigilante crew he idolizes to investigate if the family business he is paid to protect sells memories.
Investigate whether someone sells memories?? Obviously the family business does, otherwise the idea wouldn't be in the logline.? And there wouldn't be a a story to tell.?And the story to tell in the logline and script is what becomes his objective goal AFTER the discovery about the true nature of thRead more
Investigate whether someone sells memories?? Obviously the family business does, otherwise the idea wouldn’t be in the logline.? And there wouldn’t be a a story to tell.?
And the story to tell in the logline and script is what becomes his objective goal AFTER the discovery about the true nature of the family business.?? What must he do now — what becomes his objective goal?
See lessA crisis manager by day and citizen journalist by night is recruited by a vigilante mob to expose the corporation he is paid to protect.
Considering all of your super-detailed and incredibly welcome feedback, I've decided to give this concept one final push, after revising for a considerable period of time these past days. Special huge thank you to Mr. Danzig for his continued detailed feedback with all of my logline drafts. I have pRead more
Considering all of your super-detailed and incredibly welcome feedback, I’ve decided to give this concept one final push, after revising for a considerable period of time these past days. Special huge thank you to Mr. Danzig for his continued detailed feedback with all of my logline drafts. I have posted my logline as a 5th revision, and I look forward to your feedback as always, but I have a gut feeling this is the last revision and the one I will actively pursue as my next project. Thanks to all of you and this wonderful website again.
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