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A crisis manager gets recruited by the vigilante crew he idolizes to investigate if the family business he is paid to protect sells memories.
Investigate whether someone sells memories?? Obviously the family business does, otherwise the idea wouldn't be in the logline.? And there wouldn't be a a story to tell.?And the story to tell in the logline and script is what becomes his objective goal AFTER the discovery about the true nature of thRead more
Investigate whether someone sells memories?? Obviously the family business does, otherwise the idea wouldn’t be in the logline.? And there wouldn’t be a a story to tell.?
And the story to tell in the logline and script is what becomes his objective goal AFTER the discovery about the true nature of the family business.?? What must he do now — what becomes his objective goal?
See lessA crisis manager by day and citizen journalist by night is recruited by a vigilante mob to expose the corporation he is paid to protect.
Considering all of your super-detailed and incredibly welcome feedback, I've decided to give this concept one final push, after revising for a considerable period of time these past days. Special huge thank you to Mr. Danzig for his continued detailed feedback with all of my logline drafts. I have pRead more
Considering all of your super-detailed and incredibly welcome feedback, I’ve decided to give this concept one final push, after revising for a considerable period of time these past days. Special huge thank you to Mr. Danzig for his continued detailed feedback with all of my logline drafts. I have posted my logline as a 5th revision, and I look forward to your feedback as always, but I have a gut feeling this is the last revision and the one I will actively pursue as my next project. Thanks to all of you and this wonderful website again.
See less(3rd revision, 35 words) In order to name a rebellious son as heir to a dynasty that sells raided memories, a patriarch must fabricate a succession rite inside his mind, before he releases an expos? of his shady dealings.
I think you're assuming too much about what the audience can make sense of.? I don't feel like I understand "raided memories" and "fabricate a succession rite inside his mind" enough.? Based on your previous logline, I know "raided memories" is probably "memories stolen from people, for profit", butRead more
I think you’re assuming too much about what the audience can make sense of.? I don’t feel like I understand “raided memories” and “fabricate a succession rite inside his mind” enough.? Based on your previous logline, I know “raided memories” is probably “memories stolen from people, for profit”, but you can’t assume someone will get that from the logline.? And that whole thing about fabricating a succession rite inside the patriarch’s mind… it sounds like you’re having the patriarch thinking hard about something that is supposed to thwart or appease the son (I guess?), but I have no idea what that is like, and I’m not sure why I care about it.? It might look cool, I guess, with dream sequences or a spooky ritual, but, that’s probably not going to make many people more interested in your film.? I’d stay focused on clarifying the plot, although I admire your sense of artistry.? You’d probably make a kick-ass dungeon master at a D&D game.
Another thing that’s important… this logline doesn’t give us reason to care about anyone.? It sounds like the rebellious son (who sounds a bit whiny/self-entitled) is not the protagonist.? The patriarch is.? So why do we care about this patriarch?? Sounds like not a nice guy, selling off memories that don’t belong to him.? Give me a reason why we don’t want to see some victim, chock full of memories, fight back and burn his whole operation to the ground?? Typically that’s what I’d expect to happen with such a premise, and there’s plenty you can do with the information contained in a memory.? You have work to do if you want the audience to be rooting for the kingpin.
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