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After he discovers who killed his mother while in rehab, the son of a Mafia Don must keep his brothers from discovering his forbidden relationship with a cop as they hatch a revenge plot against the rival gangsters who killed their mother.
Agree.>> keep his brothers from discoveringI first read the logline thinking that the brothers are not involved and the protag and cop are the ones plotting! So it's all the sons in the plot, but the protag son has to keep a secret about the relationship? Does the protag also keep the plot a sRead more
Agree.
>> keep his brothers from discovering
I first read the logline thinking that the brothers are not involved and the protag and cop are the ones plotting! So it’s all the sons in the plot, but the protag son has to keep a secret about the relationship? Does the protag also keep the plot a secret from her? Not exactly clear, seems she may be okay with it. It’s also not clear if the son or brothers are actually gangsters or adopting the family tradition in this instance.? If they are gangsters, why should we care about any of this? Specify how many brothers.
>> as they hatch a revenge plot
Paint more of the picture and make it active. How long is the hatching and what happens after? What is the specific plot, at least at first, and what is the difficulty in pulling it off?
See lessWhen a young black man from the inner city starts to work for a powerful businessman, he spirals into the ruthless world of organized crime and must not only find a way out, but also outsmart the FBI.
>>? he must deliver a person of interest within a week. If not, his family is in danger.This is most or half the story, right? If yes, the logline needs it as it's the hook and the stakes. Then tell us the conflict in trying to deliver the person.>> When a young black man from the innerRead more
>>? he must deliver a person of interest within a week. If not, his family is in danger.
This is most or half the story, right? If yes, the logline needs it as it’s the hook and the stakes. Then tell us the conflict in trying to deliver the person.
>> When a young black man from the inner city
The character being black is not as significant as being from the inner city, unless it’s clarified that race is important to the story.
>>starts to work for a powerful businessman, he spirals into the ruthless world of organized crime
This can be smoother and shorter by saying the businessman is a crime boss or whatever.
>> but also outsmart the FBI.
This can likely be cut since it’s the secondary conflict and there’s not enough space to clarify it.
My two cents.
See lessRevised: A reformed crime lord is living a peaceful life until his wife is kidnapped by his former comrades, where, in order to keep her safe, he must do a list of dark deeds on numerous syndicates or watch his wife’s gruesome demise.
If you tweak Richiev's logline, still consider a better sense of irony for the character.? Having been a crime boss makes him well suited to pull off dark deeds,? unless they're different than what he used to do. A specific one or two can help paint more of the picture. Will the protag actually commRead more
If you tweak Richiev’s logline, still consider a better sense of irony for the character.? Having been a crime boss makes him well suited to pull off dark deeds,? unless they’re different than what he used to do. A specific one or two can help paint more of the picture.
Will the protag actually commit serious crimes or find ways around them? Different stories and tones.
See less