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When a young black man from the inner city starts to work for a powerful businessman, he spirals into the ruthless world of organized crime and must not only find a way out, but also outsmart the FBI.
>>? he must deliver a person of interest within a week. If not, his family is in danger.This is most or half the story, right? If yes, the logline needs it as it's the hook and the stakes. Then tell us the conflict in trying to deliver the person.>> When a young black man from the innerRead more
>>? he must deliver a person of interest within a week. If not, his family is in danger.
This is most or half the story, right? If yes, the logline needs it as it’s the hook and the stakes. Then tell us the conflict in trying to deliver the person.
>> When a young black man from the inner city
The character being black is not as significant as being from the inner city, unless it’s clarified that race is important to the story.
>>starts to work for a powerful businessman, he spirals into the ruthless world of organized crime
This can be smoother and shorter by saying the businessman is a crime boss or whatever.
>> but also outsmart the FBI.
This can likely be cut since it’s the secondary conflict and there’s not enough space to clarify it.
My two cents.
See lessRevised: A reformed crime lord is living a peaceful life until his wife is kidnapped by his former comrades, where, in order to keep her safe, he must do a list of dark deeds on numerous syndicates or watch his wife’s gruesome demise.
If you tweak Richiev's logline, still consider a better sense of irony for the character.? Having been a crime boss makes him well suited to pull off dark deeds,? unless they're different than what he used to do. A specific one or two can help paint more of the picture. Will the protag actually commRead more
If you tweak Richiev’s logline, still consider a better sense of irony for the character.? Having been a crime boss makes him well suited to pull off dark deeds,? unless they’re different than what he used to do. A specific one or two can help paint more of the picture.
Will the protag actually commit serious crimes or find ways around them? Different stories and tones.
See lessAfter falling in debt to a crime family, a cocky mechanic is forced to strip stolen cars for an auto-garage, but when his love interest is killed in a hit-and-run caused by the family’s erratic nephew, he turns the family against itself to seek vengeance and escape the debt.
Great start. I like revenge stories and especially when there's something fresh about them.>>a cocky mechanicWhat's the intent behind cocky? A guy taking revenge indirectly doesn't sound cocky and he doesn't feel so ironic in that predicament. With the predicament he's in and the indirect planRead more
Great start. I like revenge stories and especially when there’s something fresh about them.
>>a cocky mechanic
What’s the intent behind cocky? A guy taking revenge indirectly doesn’t sound cocky and he doesn’t feel so ironic in that predicament. With the predicament he’s in and the indirect plan, a significant flaw doesn’t even feel necessary. Was it considered to go with a trait or talent that would shed light on how he would turn the family against itself? In other words, to differentiate this more from the first Punisher movie.
>>After falling in debt to a crime family,
>>is forced to strip stolen cars for an auto-garage,
These can be combined and shortened since the real hook starts when the love interest is killed.
>>to seek vengeance and escape the debt.
Escaping the debt is understood with the vengeance.
Does it pay specifying the main antag?
My two cents.
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