Not really a crime film in my opinion. Drama, horror, thriller – perhaps but not really a crime film. The way the kidnapper is described is almost sympathetic too. This might be your intention but it leads to a bit of ambiguity as to who we’re rooting for. I’m almost feeling sorry for him… and I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be.

Richiev’s version is great. There is a clear protagonist and antagonist, an inciting incident that throws the balance out and the goal is clearly to restore that equilibrium. The kid sounds great, like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone – I’m seeing comedic moments amidst the darkness of the situation. ?The antagonist sounds antagonistic. Words like “deranged” help to enforce his evil presence, you want the kid to escape him.

Just as an aside, and this is relevant in both yours and Richiev’s version, using the word “kid”, to me, is far more lighthearted and almost comedic in tone to saying “child” which is more emotional and innocent. If, as in Richiev’s logline, you want this kid to be an equal match for the guy, precocious, smart, quippy, etc. then “kid” works great. If, however, you want the kid to come across as more of a victim, quieter, more introvert, scared, etc then consider using “child” or “girl” instead. One word can change the whole tone of an idea.