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A contract killer takes his teenage brother on job hunting down a group of anonymous gangbangers for a Mexican drug cartel to deter the wannabe-thug from a harrowing life of crime.
When his kid brother starts dealing drugs, a hit man tries to scare him straight by taking him on his latest job, to kill a notorious cartel leader.(28 words)It? translates "start a life of crime" into something more specific and relevant to the hit man's next target for termination. ? And it's moreRead more
When his kid brother starts dealing drugs, a hit man tries to scare him straight by taking him on his latest job, to kill a notorious cartel leader.
(28 words)
It? translates “start a life of crime” into something more specific and relevant to the hit man’s next target for termination. ? And it’s more logical and higher stakes:? If someone is desperate enough to lay out a lot of cash for a hit man, it would be too take out the leader at the top of the supply and command chain, a? menacing rival, not some secondary nuisance or trouble maker.? Of course, the hit man will have to go through gangbangers, button men et al to get to the cartel leader.
fwiw
See lessAfter completing 15 years of prison term, falsely prosecuted an innocent taxi driver begins his deadly game of vengeance with the mob boss he considers responsible for his family’s murder. But on the course he discovers his daughter is still alive and in their captive.
When does he discover that his daughter's still alive? If it's pretty early in the story then consider making this the inciting incident. Richiev's version reduces the word count considerably and does a great job of summing your story up but is his goal to rescue his daughter or kill all the mobsterRead more
When does he discover that his daughter’s still alive? If it’s pretty early in the story then consider making this the inciting incident.
Richiev’s version reduces the word count considerably and does a great job of summing your story up but is his goal to rescue his daughter or kill all the mobsters? If the inciting incident is finding out his daughter is still alive then the goal is to rescue her. If that’s saved for a twist (Act II to III?) then consider not including the fact that his daughter is alive but simply allude to it.
If he’s in prison for 15 years for murdering his wife and daughter isn’t 15 years a pretty lenient sentence?
What’s going to make this story stand out from other similar stories? Where’s your hook? Think about Oldboy – the guy was imprisoned for 15 years and he has no idea who did it or for what reason so he sets out to simply find out the answers. It’s so simple yet immediately gets you interested.
Hope this helps.
See lessKing Rossi, a famous New York City criminal who has a great interest in football and World Cup, gives an order to a group of professional thieves to steal the Original Cup from the Fifa Museum.
As Richiev said, who is the protagonist? If it's King Rossi (don't need to include names in a logline - just a characteristic) then does he just sit back and wait for the thieves to deliver the cup? Where's his conflict? What's his story? Who/what are the antagonistic forces? Who is trying to stop tRead more
As Richiev said, who is the protagonist? If it’s King Rossi (don’t need to include names in a logline – just a characteristic) then does he just sit back and wait for the thieves to deliver the cup? Where’s his conflict? What’s his story?
Who/what are the antagonistic forces? Who is trying to stop the thieves? Police? Rival criminals?
Make the reader feel like this isn’t just an ordinary job. You need a hook.
See less